Sunday, September 4, 2011

Turkeys, Lies, and Comedians

My husband wants to make a shirt that says "I lie to my wife about turkey based meat products."  He takes pride in deceiving me about what I'm eating.  One time he went so far as to try to pass off lamb as a beef roast.  It always ends the same, with a loud "How DARE you?!"  I have certain rules about food, and one is I need to know what I'm eating.  I do not like to eat animals prominently featured in favorite childhood stories, mostly lamb or deer.  (For a long time I wouldn't eat eggs after we hatched chicks in 3rd grade.)  I also do not like my food touching another food.  Those are my top 2 food rules.  He's constantly breaking both of them.  I know, right?

Over the years my husband has tried to feed me turkey disguised as other animals.  Turkey ham, turkey hot dogs, turkey bacon, and today... turkey pepper pastrami.  I was filled with glee when I spotted pepper ham in the fridge, as I had not had it in a very long time and I really like it.  I was looking forward to my sandwich, and when I bit into it I mostly got a mouth full of heavily peppered meat, so it hadn't sunk in at first (that I was being lied to by lunch meat and my husband.)  "Mmmmm, I haven't had pepper ham for so long!  What a great idea!  Thanks, honey!"  Then the evil laughter erupted and a "I'm so glad you are enjoying it!"  So, I peered at my husband and demanded he tell me why he was laughing.  "This isn't ham, is it?  What the hell are you trying to do to me?  What IS this?!"  The next bite was salty and had that strange poser ham aftertaste.  "It's turkey pastrami." he finally admitted.  Then came the "How DARE you!"

Now, I have nothing against turkey, I love a good Thanksgiving bird, but I do not like when it pretends to be something it is not.  Like the late, great Mitch Hedberg said "... turkeys, just be yourselves."  It's mostly the odd texture that occurs when they try to morph a poultry product into a pork product that I just don't care for.  Can you imagine trying to make a living turkey dress up like a pig?  No, because it's not natural.  It's just wrong.  And the bird would probably peck you to death and summon it's smaller bird friends to poop on your head while you're out taking your Sunday stroll.

What may be more disturbing than a turkey going under cover as a pig, is my husbands need to feed me one thing and pretend it's something else.  The joy he gets out of getting me to bite into the "wrong kind of meat".  It's just weird.  He needs to get a hobby, I think.  He has too much time on his hands if he has the time to sabotage my lunch.  Perhaps he should look into turning our dirty dishes into clean ones instead of turkeys into pigs.


  1. I too do not like my food touching one another.

  2. You're good people, Terri. Anyone who doesn't like their food touching other food is A-okay in my book. haha