Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why look at flowers when you can look at Johnny Depp?

This blog post is more like a "How to" (be awesome) than some sort of journal entry.  You'll thank me, though, I'm sure of it. 

My sister was feeling a bit under the weather, and what better way to cheer a gal up than sending her flowers?  Sending her a bouquet of Johnny Depps... that's clearly a better way.  #1 They are always beautiful #2 They don't need water and #3 They don't wilt and die on you.  Although, Johnny, if you need someone to wilt on, I have some free time.  Anywho.... here is a picture of what you're aiming for... (or maybe you are more creative and want to aim for something even more fancy, but honestly no one will give a shit what you put around the Johnnys or even notice the vase, so feel free to just spice it up with whatever you have on hand at home.  You don't have to go nuts.). 

You, too, can create this divine piece of art in just 10 easy steps!

So here's what you do:

1. Browse through all the pictures of Johnny Depp that Google has to offer, and choose your favorite.  I used two dozen of my favorite Johnnys.  This step takes the longest.  You may want to block out a few days for this, as time flies when you are gazing at perfection.

2. Print out, on cardstock, your pictures of Johnny.  I used photoshop to arrange 4 pictures per page, to get the sizes you see in this arrangement.  

3. Look at Johnny some more. Admire your work.

4. Cut out all the Johnnys.  I recommend being creative here, so they are different shapes and not all a bunch of rectangles.

5. Take bamboo skewers (I used 2 different lengths), and tape one skewer to the back of each Johnny pic.  Be careful the skewer doesn't stick out the top and make Johnny look like he's been impaled.  

6. Look at the Johnnys some more... Quality control, people! 

7. Lay out groups of 3, 4, 5, etc side by side and tape them together until they are all joined, forming a kind or circle.  The tape I hid BEHIND the pictures.  

8. The largest group of pictures wrap tissue around and put into the vase first, then add in the next largest, then the next, stacking them so they are propped up on each other so you can see all the Johnnys, and they don't hiding behind each other.

9. Tuck tissue paper in the center top, and tuck some ribbons around to make it look more colorful and cheerful.

10. Stare at your beautiful bouquet of Johnny Depps.  If you are feeling very generous, and can bring yourself to part with something so wonderful, you can give it to someone who needs a few extra Johnnys sitting around.  That is pretty much everyone. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

And I stared bacon in the face...

Well, let's see how this goes. I am blogging from my phone today, as my hard drive has thrown itself off the proverbial cliff. AND my husband is bad at sharing.  Before I get into the bacon meat of this post, I'll share with you the little exchange between us over my current laptop woes.

Me C'mon.  Your laptop is sitting right there.  You aren't even using it!  It's not even ON!  Let me use it for 15 minutes to type my blog.  I already know exactly what I'm writing, I just need to type it up quickly.  

Him No.  I'm working on transferring your data from your old laptop, now.  

Me This will not get me a laptop tonight.  Stop being selfish and hand it over.

Him Why don't you write it down on a piece of paper?

Me WTF?!  Do you even KNOW what a blog IS?  

Him Well, isn't this the whole premise of your "I should write this down" motto for your blog?

Me Oh, don't worry.. I'll be writing this down!  Now, give me that laptop PLEASE.

Him I cannot.  That is my corporate laptop!!

Me What?!  No it is not!  That one over there is, but THIS one you bought from Sears.  With a freaking coupon!  

Him Well, it sounds ridiculous when you say it.

Me I'm totes buying that mac-top. *see conversations at the end of the blog

So, now you see what I'm dealing with.  Haha  Well, since Mr. Corporate has a severe case of mine-itis, let's just hammer this thing out on the iPhone...

This week I started a liquid fast, for several boring reasons. I'll spare you the list. Anyway, today is only day two, and already I've lost my brain to mouth & brain to finger filters.  (Which,  one would think, should have made the above confrontation never even happen, because my husband is aware that my filter is missing, yet he is a risk taker...)  At least I warned my friends, and asked them (if they see me out on the road) to think of my hand signal to other drivers as just a wave of happy joy.  Also, that isn't really a shiv I'm carrying with me, it's a "modified custom toothbrush".  Just look away.

Anyway, it's not so hard to do the liquid fast.  During meals is rough, but once mealtime passes I'm fine, just extra "opinionated".  I'm a bit tired, but I'm still doing my workout while the baby naps, so it's all good.  I even stared down some bacon today.  Yeah, I had to ask my husband to cook it up for the kiddos to have for their breakfast, so I didn't have to stand over it too long, but it sat there... mocking me with it's smelly temptations.... but I managed to give it the cold shoulder.  If you can stare bacon in the face & not eat it, you are probably a superhero.  So, I think I'm probably going to kick this fast's butt. 

I also had nightmares last night that I started to eat a piece of cucumber as I was chopping it up for my kid's lunch, and then couldn't stop myself.  Yeah, it was super intense as far as nightmares go.

As a mostly un-related little blog treat, I'll throw in some small conversations between my husband and I today, some of which are computer related, others that are just... well us...

On Fashion

Him Since when did you have a Michael Kors purse?

Me  Since when did you know about Michael Kors? *conversation over, I win!*

On Pop Culture
* quick background: I have been using the word "totes", much to my husband's dismay, when I'm explaining something or someone ridiculous... or how I'm about to mock something or someone ridiculous... out of love, of course.  This drives my husband nuts, and he usually yells at me to finish my words.*

Me I'm TOTES gonna do it!

Him Stop saying "totes", or I'm totes gonna murd you.

And, coming full circle, back to Laptop-Gate

Me Hey, was there a new laptop in one of those boxes?

Him No.  I ordered you a new hard drive.  I dunno when it will be here.

Me Can't I just get a new Mac-top?

Him Mac-top?!

Me Yeah, that's a thing... right?

Him *walks away, either in disgust or disbelief in my total awesomeness.  I'm not sure cause his face is usually the same for both.*
        **  He also said, several minutes later, no more liquid fasts... for some reason.