Thursday, October 27, 2011

Exactly like "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", just without Charlie Brown... or the pumpkin

I'm wild about pumpkins, at least as much as any other suburban housewife who loves to put pretty shit on her porch.  The kind of shit that says "Look how homey my home is!  (In case you didn't notice people living inside)" and "Don't step on my gourdes or I'll stick ya!"  I mean, "Welcome, friends."  I used to have an adorable little scarecrow, but after years of sun exposure, it was looking more "haunted house" and less cute autumn decoration.  This year, I filled in my empty scarecrow space with a larger bale of hay, mums, and more pumpkins of assorted sizes.  We made a big deal out of going to the pumpkin patch to pick small pumpkins to paint.  We chose 2 larger pumpkins for carving (which we haven't done yet so they don't rot before trick-or-treat).  We had a great little set up out there, until tragedy struck...

Something is eating our pumpkins.  It almost looks like a little pumpkin horror movie set on my front porch, which is not quite the message I was looking to send.  There are pumpkin guts everywhere.  The baby's little painted pumpkin is completely gone, another small pumpkin has been completely torn in half and it's guts strewn all over the other pumpkins and the hay, and both of the huge pumpkins have bites out of them, as well as the 2 other painted pumpkins.  It's kind of a pain in the butt that I have to go buy 2 new big pumpkins to carve, but the worst part is having to clean up the sticky seeds and innards of our casualties.  Perhaps I'll just leave it like that, and give one of the big pumpkins the pumpkin carving knife for trick-or-treat, and stage it more like a Pumpkin murder scene.  Everyone loves a little gourd on gourd crime for Halloween.

This puts a serious kink in my plan to carve a Hello Kitty pumpkin.  I just don't think she's capable of that kind of violence.  I'll have to switch to Bert from Sesame Street... after all those years of living with Ernie, I'm sure he's ready to cut a bitch.


Told my husband I wanted to put poison on the pumpkins so the animals (whom we assumed were the foxes that we see out and about) would not want to eat them.  He pointed out that they would still eat them, and then we'd have a dead fox problem.  I don't really want to kill them...just turn them off from my porch.  Maybe I could put a TV out there playing old Glenn Beck episodes from Fox News.   


  1. look how homey my home is, Homie..

    I'm thinking cats or raccoons. They heard there was a pumpkin shortage so they are taking action now to get their fill.

  2. That's right, Homeslice! Cats, raccoons, or the damn foxes. All cute and cuddly, until they feast on your decor.

  3. Or until they rip your face off with their sharp claws and teeth.

  4. You can get some Bitter Apple to spray on them... or just sprinkle some chili powder... theme natural deterrents. TT

  5. Or you can dribble Frank's Red Hot Sauce on them! It will keep the critters from gorging themselves on your gourds and it will look like pumpkin blood!

    yo mama

  6. Thanks for the advice there, Snoop Mommy Mom

  7. Ah Franks Red Hot Sauce, I put that shit on everything. Even pumpkins... (couldn't resists - TT)