Friday, January 18, 2013

Those bowling rental shoes are getting better all the time!

Last night my husband attended a party for his boss at work.  They're friends, I'd say, as are most of the people on his team.  So they went to "Grown Up Chuck E Cheese", as I call it.  The party was supposed to start at 4:30, so he said he'd be home by the boy's bath time, 8pm.  So, I get a call at 7:30...

Him Hi, honey!  This is going a little later than I thought, so is it okay if I stay even if it means me missing the boy's bedtime?  I'd like to play a game of bowling.

Me *sarcasm* No, I need you to get home in time for this bath, thanks for asking!  You're like what, an hour away?  Oh WAIT... so what you MEAN to say is "Honey, there is no way I'm going to make it home in time for the boy's bath like I said I would.  I just wanted to let you know I will be late, and I really think we should buy you some new Manolo's.

Him There IS a Neiman Marcus  here.  *sigh*  This is going to be the most expensive game of bowling in history.

Me Size 8 1/2.  Better yet, you can take me there this weekend so that I may choose the pair that you may buy me.

*Very ridiculous attempt at a woman's voice from some coworker* Oh honey, come on, come over here.  I'm waiting.  Let's go.... what are you doing?"

Husband That's Brandon.  He thinks he's funny.

Me Well, tell Brandon that if he wants to make himself sound believably like someone my husband would cheat with, he should aim for less Minnie Mouse and more Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Husband Touche.  Wait, Brandon wants to talk to you.  *muffled voice* I dunno, man.  I'm not sure it's a good idea.  You've done SO well already, don't you think?  You don't know her... you won't win.  No. one. can. win.

Me What is going on?

Him Brandon wants to know if you're angry.

Me About what?  I mean, sure you called to pretend to be a gentleman and ASK (from over an hour away) if it was okay if you stayed out past the time you were due home which would be in half an hour.  I understand how math works and that it was therefore a fake question, but I'm not angry.  You do far more stupid things that I must reserve my anger for.  Have fun with your friends.  I can handle bedtime.  

Him Good, thanks!  They have Jimmy Choo's, too.  

Me You better go before your friends hear you and beat you up.  

Cut to three hours later when he calls to tell me he's heading home....

Me See, much more stupid things....

Him What are you doing?

Me Getting ready for bed!  I was waiting to set the alarm, but now you'll have to call me to turn it off because I'm setting it without you!

Him What are you wearing?

Me A frown and a frying pan.  

Him The big one or the little one?

Me What's it matter?  I can either whack ya with the big one, or make a shiv outta the little one's handle and stick ya. 

Him The shoes aren't punishment enough?

Me That wasn't punishment!  That was a party favor for ME, I was just trying to strike while the frying pan was hot.

Him It's iron, "while the iron's hot...".

Me No, I assure you, I'm holding a frying pan.  You may want to just come in while the alarm is still set, help could come for you much faster.  OR you could try to add "Oh, I"m going to be over 3 hours late." instead of "I think I'm going to miss being home in half an hour." to your next phone conversation, so I don't think you're bleeding in a ditch somewhere.

Him But you didn't call to check on me to see if I WAS in a ditch.

Me No, I was too busy looking at Manolo's online, picking out my bowling shoes.

Him So you weren't so worried.

Me No, you're pretty consistent about leaving out important details in conversation, so I just start filling in the blanks on my own.  Like maybe "I won't be home in half an hour"  could be paired with "Because I will be hanging with the guys for 3 more hours." or "Because I'm on my way to jail." or "Because I wanted to give you plenty of time to shop online without me pestering you about some silly 'budget'.  How's three hours?"  This time I assumed you meant number 3.  Thanks!  

Him The big one.  Just hit me with the big frying pan.

Me Remember to call so I can turn off the alarm!


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Maybe I just don't understand Christmas newsletters....

The best little holiday treat came in the mail today!  Yes, I know, January 2nd, but the last straggling Christmas card with newsletter arrived today.  Now I've gotten newsletters before, and they are usually pretty cute and happy and point out where the family is in life, maybe some milestones, in a few paragraphs.  However, this gem was the longest 2 page humblebrag I had ever experienced in my life!  It was golden!  It was the perfect mix of "this very awesome thing you probably would die for is just SOOOOOOOOOO hard." and "oh our flawless offspring are so talented and beyond compare, it's simply inconvenient!"  I certainly hope I can capture the essence of this literary masterpiece for you.  It may not translate quite the same way as the original did as I read it aloud to my husband, in the appropriate "I probably even breathe better than you do" voice, but feel free to read this aloud in whatever obnoxious, yet so much better than you could ever be, voice that you feel fits.  So, of course, this is MY version of the newsletter.  Some facts have been changed, except for the number of vacations... that is pretty accurate, although it is hard to tell if some of the work travel was also used for vacation purposes, so if anything I UNDERestimated.  All names have been changed, per usual.  I didn't exaggerate as much as you think, but I will admit she didn't use the word "fucking". 

Dearest Family and Friends,
  Where can we even begin?!  This year has been such a excitingly, fantastic, bittersweet, difficult, awesome, feel free to add any more adjectives challenge!  We have been so busy, but we have been taking it so slow.  Everyone moves so fast in this world, but OUR family had to take it down a notch.  I mean, we have another child this year.  Yes, we found out we were having another baby, and wouldn't you know it, he was born about 9 months later!  How does this keep happening?  I'm starting to think it's something we are doing.  Nah!  No one could've told me I'd have 3 kids, let alone have to be a mother to 3 DIFFERENT kids!  Did you know you don't have the same baby more than once?!  Well, we have learned this ultra important lesson in life.  Heck, one is even a boy!  Amazing.  

I should remind you all that we have very important, busy jobs, and we travel loads.  We get to bring our kids along or each other, and the company provides the airfare and babysitting and stuff, but I mean it's just so hard.  I mean could you imagine it?  I mean if you were lucky enough to have those kinds of opportunities.  Having the choice to travel to other countries with your family or leave them with your nanny?!  Who can live like this!  Such changes!

Oh yes, we got a Nanny.  We had to.  3 kids is like an entire herd... Remember, they are so different.  They are even different ages!  The one is always getting into stuff, and she's only 2!  Who knew 2 year olds are so busy?!  She actually needs stuff to play with.  Our other kid was just happy to sit and watch the walls while holding onto a piece of tape.  But this one, she wants to move and play.  When she gets angry at us she has the audacity to use her sign language that they taught her in her exclusive day care to sign "Help!" and if we don't answer "Help please!"  Then she redirects herself.  She's such a difficult child.  Thank goodness for our Nanny, Jessica... she helps complete "Team Katie" as all my other ladies who lunch friends call me.  

So, after getting a nanny, and having that extra baby, we had some friends and family pass on, so we decided it was time to just get away, the two of us, to Ireland.  But, we did eat lunch where the cure for cancer was discovered!  So, it was not just a vacation, but it was an ultra important one because something beyond what you are personally capable of doing happened years ago in the very same location where we ate a sandwich.  Then we got to go on 9 other family vacations, ski vacations, destination weddings, visiting family and friends all around the country, oh and we just cannot stop traveling to Hawaii for work!  It's been so rough.  Now you can see why we are taking it so easy, because it's so hard to have 3 kids, a nanny, and this many vacations.  Can you imagine?

When I had the baby, it was summer time, and it was hot!  It was not winter at all.  It was probably a good time to go to the beach or to hang out in our huge home with central air.  We stayed inside all summer, seeking refuge, with our nanny.  We did some organizing and learned how to be a family with 3 kids and a FUCKING LIVE IN FULL TIME BABYSITTER.  I don't know how we do it, but we're up to the challenge!  The kids also got lice on one of our vacations.  Why they had to do that while I was on maternity leave rather than when I was at work and leaving it completely for the nanny to handle alone, I don't know.  Life is just so not fair.

Well, our baby has been studying with Bruce Lee and Mr. Miyagi, and is now a baby ninja.  Our first grader learned to read, AND is the modern child Mozart, AND she still finds time to "take care of the babies".  I'm just so relieved she learned to read.  That just opens doors for you!  I wish she'd find time to just be a little girl, but I keep having these babies so the nanny is pret-ty busy and really needs her help.  That nanny helps ups with every single thing we do.  She is there day and night.  I get sick of it and think I'm done with help, and then realize I need more!

Two of our family pets died, and here, let me give you the full description of this horrifying freak incident that killed the second one (yeah, I won't do that to you because you don't need to have a panic attack from a Christmas newsletter) If only we had hired a pet nanny.

Our car ran out of oil, and I was like "Hey, shouldn't our car nanny be changing that or something?"

So, anyway, I'm sorry this is getting to you a little late, but my secretary took forever to type it up, and then the nanny forgot to mail it from our vacation in South Africa.  I'm so embarrassed!  I hope everyone can forgive me!  

I hope this letter brings you up to date on our little, slow paced lives.  I hope you can forgive us for not being in a lot of touch with all of you, but we just have to go slow.  With 3 kids you just have to sit back, get a nanny, and play defense.  I can't wait to see them all when we get home from this cruise we are on.  I wonder if there will be a new baby there!  Maybe it will be a DIFFERENT one than the ones we already had!  

Life is amazing!


Oh and Jeff and the Nanny, Jessica

Oh yeah, and those kids, all 3 of them, they each have their own name, too!

So, in summary, Merry Christmas!  Your life sucks.  Our life is so superior that we just cannot even stand it!  (And you're probably reading this with your brood of kids running around half naked, covered in jam, chasing your terrified family pets around, in your own home, not on vacation, by yourself, with no pesky Nanny.)