Last night my husband attended a party for his boss at work. They're friends, I'd say, as are most of the people on his team. So they went to "Grown Up Chuck E Cheese", as I call it. The party was supposed to start at 4:30, so he said he'd be home by the boy's bath time, 8pm. So, I get a call at 7:30...
Him Hi, honey! This is going a little later than I thought, so is it okay if I stay even if it means me missing the boy's bedtime? I'd like to play a game of bowling.
Me *sarcasm* No, I need you to get home in time for this bath, thanks for asking! You're like what, an hour away? Oh WAIT... so what you MEAN to say is "Honey, there is no way I'm going to make it home in time for the boy's bath like I said I would. I just wanted to let you know I will be late, and I really think we should buy you some new Manolo's.
Him There IS a Neiman Marcus here. *sigh* This is going to be the most expensive game of bowling in history.
Me Size 8 1/2. Better yet, you can take me there this weekend so that I may choose the pair that you may buy me.
*Very ridiculous attempt at a woman's voice from some coworker* Oh honey, come on, come over here. I'm waiting. Let's go.... what are you doing?"
Husband That's Brandon. He thinks he's funny.
Me Well, tell Brandon that if he wants to make himself sound believably like someone my husband would cheat with, he should aim for less Minnie Mouse and more Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Husband Touche. Wait, Brandon wants to talk to you. *muffled voice* I dunno, man. I'm not sure it's a good idea. You've done SO well already, don't you think? You don't know her... you won't win. No. one. can. win.
Me What is going on?
Him Brandon wants to know if you're angry.
Me About what? I mean, sure you called to pretend to be a gentleman and ASK (from over an hour away) if it was okay if you stayed out past the time you were due home which would be in half an hour. I understand how math works and that it was therefore a fake question, but I'm not angry. You do far more stupid things that I must reserve my anger for. Have fun with your friends. I can handle bedtime.
Him Good, thanks! They have Jimmy Choo's, too.
Me You better go before your friends hear you and beat you up.
Cut to three hours later when he calls to tell me he's heading home....
Me See, much more stupid things....
Him What are you doing?
Me Getting ready for bed! I was waiting to set the alarm, but now you'll have to call me to turn it off because I'm setting it without you!
Him What are you wearing?
Me A frown and a frying pan.
Him The big one or the little one?
Me What's it matter? I can either whack ya with the big one, or make a shiv outta the little one's handle and stick ya.
Him The shoes aren't punishment enough?
Me That wasn't punishment! That was a party favor for ME, I was just trying to strike while the frying pan was hot.
Him It's iron, "while the iron's hot...".
Me No, I assure you, I'm holding a frying pan. You may want to just come in while the alarm is still set, help could come for you much faster. OR you could try to add "Oh, I"m going to be over 3 hours late." instead of "I think I'm going to miss being home in half an hour." to your next phone conversation, so I don't think you're bleeding in a ditch somewhere.
Him But you didn't call to check on me to see if I WAS in a ditch.
Me No, I was too busy looking at Manolo's online, picking out my bowling shoes.
Him So you weren't so worried.
Me No, you're pretty consistent about leaving out important details in conversation, so I just start filling in the blanks on my own. Like maybe "I won't be home in half an hour" could be paired with "Because I will be hanging with the guys for 3 more hours." or "Because I'm on my way to jail." or "Because I wanted to give you plenty of time to shop online without me pestering you about some silly 'budget'. How's three hours?" This time I assumed you meant number 3. Thanks!
Him The big one. Just hit me with the big frying pan.
Me Remember to call so I can turn off the alarm!