We live in a neighborhood with a homeowners association, and, somehow, I'm a board member. I signed up, and they actually let me do it, in spite of myself. Anywho, I'm the secretary. How fitting, one may (but probably doesn't) think. It's not easy, though, as I have to be at least a touch professional when writing letters to send out to all our neighbors. I just got done typing up the letter we send out after our big, yearly meeting. Everyone cares soooooo much that like 3 households show up, but, alas, I try to fill in everyone who couldn't be bothered to show up, anyway. I know, I'm selfless like that. This year, I decided I would put the letter I actually want to send here. It's NOT the one I send out, but it should be.
Dear neighbors,
We had a meeting. You were told about it, but you didn't come, so I guess the date and time don't really matter. You didn't come last year or the year before that, either. So, we can never actually vote and get anything done. So here is what we talked about without you.
A. You're not paying your dues. Those of us who are, super appreciate your total lack of consideration for the rest of us who need to pay more to make up for your failure to cough up what is less than a trip to McDonalds for 2 people. We're trying to get creative about how to get you to pay. I would love the "dog shaming" approach, where we put up the amount you owe on your front lawn and take a picture of it and put it all over social media, but the more rational board members think that would not be "nice" and perhaps is illegal.
B. We could use some more board members. I'm getting a little suspicious that it might be to make up for the fact that I was allowed on the board. (See dog shaming idea.) Whatever the reason, we are looking for other folks to feel our frustration right along with us.
C. Yes we are keeping the playground, stop hating children's happiness. Why don't you just stand out front and kick some puppies while kids walk home from the bus? Maybe hold "Santa is a fake!" picket signs up while they ride their tricycles around the neighborhood.
D. Foreclosures are way down. I know, Fox News would have you believe otherwise, but it's true. We have some actual numbers. Arithmetic.
E. Don't be an asshole. If it's too early or too late, turn your music down. Kids playing next door? Maybe you could turn the gangsta rap down so my kids stop asking "What that bitch did to 'get it.'" Also, you do not live on a NASCAR track. Perhaps, you can try to do a more reasonable speed. I believe there are suggestions posted around the road on big white signs, if you can't figure out what a safe speed is.
F. Everyone hates the big trees. Everyone. I hate them, you hate them. No one wants them to land on their house.
G. You can't park on a corner... in your giant pickup truck... and especially not all 47 of your giant, rusty pick up trucks. I know you think they are aesthetically pleasing to prospective home buyers, but they are a hazard that we can't see around to pull out.
H. The golf course is a hot mess. It's not ours. We tried to make it go to rehab, but it said "No no no!"
I. Join us on Facebook. Thanks to the dude that made that page happen. I couldn't do it myself, because I suck at those things, and I have not even been writing in my own blog lately. But that dude did it. Sweet.
J. P.S. No one ever mentions it, but you could probably pick up your dog shit. It's disgusting. We do not live in a toilet. We are putting Paris to shame, folks.
Nailed it!
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