I think we need to talk. I first would like to point out that I do, in fact, love you. There is no question about that, but I do believe our relationship is becoming unhealthy. From the start, there was always that piece of me that knew you probably weren’t good for me, but you are so charming with your cheerful colors and fun advertising. The things you have to offer me are so shiny and pretty, and that distracts me from my goals and objectives every time I come to visit you. That’s another thing… I’m always coming to see you. You never just surprise me, and if I want to see anything from you come directly to my front door, I have to pay for it. It’s like a punishment for asking you to come to me for once! That leads me to my next point… I’m always paying on our dates, and you’re always sticking me with a larger bill than I intended for these dates. I have realized my friend was right, I’m broke because of you. I go in for tissues, and come out with a $100 hit on my debit card. I think we need to stop seeing each other. The problem is, I try to quit you, but you won’t quit me. Every time I start to move on and get over you, you start sending coupons in the mail. You show up on my tv and in my Google searches, reminding me of your better qualities, how convenient you are, and all the unique things you have to offer. Quite frankly, it’s a little too close to stalking me. Even when I come see you, you print out coupons for products you know that I use. Knowing the brand of toilet paper I keep stocked in my home is just a little too close for comfort. Also, don’t think I don’t notice you are seeing other people. I see you seducing them into cute throw pillows, stylish organization methods, and designer paper plates. I guess no one is immune to your charms, but you don’t have to rub it in my face like that.
So, I think you can probably see why I think we should cool off a bit. I know the holiday season is approaching, and our history shows that’s when I need you the most. If we take some time apart now, perhaps my visits during the holidays will be more reasonable. Maybe you can work at appreciating me for my mind and not just my wallet, and I can perhaps leave our visits feeling less used. I hope we can stay friends, and still be there for each other, just in a new, less bank account-draining way. You work on not flaunting your deals on super cute household goods, and I’ll work on some restraint.