Sunday, November 6, 2011

Demystifying the blanket

It's that time of year when my family all starts making their wish lists for birthdays and the holidays.  I am having a little trouble coming up with ideas for things I want, but I do know exactly what I don't want. 

Anything that says "Using a blanket has become too mind boggling and difficult for me", will not be making my list.  This means you, "Snuggie", and also you, "Forever Lazy". I mean, come the hell on.  Every commercial I see for these things show people fighting with blankets, as if the idea of simply laying soft, warm fabric over your body to stay warm has become downright perplexing.  Blankets, and their flat, often rectangular shape are just too hard to master.  Who has time to figure out the proper application of a blanket, and then to execute the act of placing it on the cold section of their body with enough precision and timing to get enough of the over-sized death trap just where they need it to be to get warm?  Forget putting on sweat suits, they are 2 separate pieces!  What a hassle.  You have to choose which half of that outfit to put on first, and that decision can be more overwhelming than one human being may be able to handle on their own. 

I also can't get over the commercial scenes where they are wearing these abominations in public.  Nothing quite says "I've completely given up on life" like wearing part of your bed out into public.  At that point, why bother getting out of bed at all?  Heck, the Forever Lazy even has a "trap door" so you might as well not go through the trouble of getting out of bed, and mingling amongst the living.  Just keep a bed pan next to you, and you're good to go... or stay really. 

While I still understand the complexities of using a blanket, the mind boggling method for putting on a robe, and how to operate my heater... oh and mostly while I still have some self respect... I will be avoiding anything that turns any seat into your bed, or let's you feel like you haven't left bed yet while you take your 4th pee of the day, or says "casual friday?!  let me go down to Bed Bath and Beyond to see what ugly bed linens I can wrap around my body in a "function meets fashion" type of way. 

I know the ease of these products, and the "one size fits all, and that size is 3 ring circus tent" could be appealing, but that kind of comfort is for indoors only... and those doors really need to be your own doors.  Friends don't let friends wear sleeping bags with arm holes and leg holes in any public place. 


  1. BWAHAHAHAHA... I know this isn't FB, but I'd like to throw a serious "LIKE" on this particular blog post. I thank you for making my evening better with the gift of ROTFLMAO!