Somebody needs to tell him...

**Caution:  You may find this offensive, I guess, so there is your warning.  Also, if this is offensive to you, you probably don't want to read anything else on this blog, either.**

My husband was complaining to me about the aloe strips on razors, and I had very little sympathy for him just not liking the gooey-ness, because he's never shaved his legs with a fresh aloe stripped razor, and then went on to wash the rest of his body, only to realize he is ALLERGIC to something in that aloe-goo.  AND  he didn't find out by suddenly realizing, mid-shower, that someone has set his nether-region on FIRE, and wonder how that even happened since you are standing in a box full of water.  But you know, this must be a fire, and how did that even happen?  Oh dear God, you got that aloe-goo from the razor on your legs and wiped it off with the wash cloth, and then washed the rest of your body with it, and now your girl parts have gone up in imaginary, but quite painful flames.  But, please, husband... tell me how you just don't like the slimy trails left on your face.  That must be such a pain in the ass for you.  Have I expressed the proper amount of concern on my face, because I'm trying very hard to look like this must be a huge inconvenience for you.  So he does tell me more...

Husband Well I don't know why it even bothers you.  I mean, I even get little cuts on my face while shaving, and the aloe gets in that and it doesn't hurt or burn me at all.  

Me *with that "oh I just remembered something" look on my face* Hey, guess what?!

Husband What?

Me Those little cuts on your face are NOT vaginas.  

Husband Well, it's gotta be close.

Me No.  They are two very different animals.  For starters... you should try not to keep cutting your face, but a woman should really try to keep having a vagina.  See, one is actually supposed to be there.  

Husband Yeah, but they are both still gateways to the rest of the body.

Me Kinda, but one is man-made.  I mean, a vagina has it's on ecosystem.  It's very complicated, and has many purposes, and plays a huge part in the whole "circle of life".  The cuts on your face aren't really contributing to the continuation of the human race in such a profound way.  Has a baby ever emerged from your face?  I didn't think so.

Husband You are totally underestimating my face boo-boos.  Also, you've said "vagina" too many times now.  We should probably talk about something else.  

Me I didn't realize there was a limit, but there is something else I needed to talk to you about, so when you're done carving little vaginas into your face with the poison tipped razor, I need you to look at my laptop.  I think it has a virus.

Public Displays of Vacation

You know those car magnets... the gratuitous announcements of where people prefer to vacation?  Well, I have a new magnet (as soon as I make it) that says "I vacation in your home... while you're at the OBX."  Creepy?  Sure.  Brilliant?  Why, yes!  Everyone loves car magnets and vacation, so this should make me a fortune.

Speaking of vacation, in less than 2 weeks I get to go on a road trip with my husband, without the kids!  Woot!  We are going to visit some actual grown adults a few states north of us.  I'm not sure what is more exciting... seeing some people whom share similar ideas to our own (which is near impossible to find where we live), or getting a break from fetching drinks, helping with the potty, cutting up food, and keeping two short humans from mortally wounding themselves.  Although my friend seemed disappointed that I would not be cutting up HER food for her, she took the news rather well.  I did explain that I wasn't so sure I would even cut up my own food, and instead I may opt to go all "snake" and just swallow my food whole.  OMG, I just realized I may actually get a chance to eat a meal while it's still hot.  Oh, the things that excite you when you're a parent!  We actually got excited when we realized we could listen to an audiobook on the drive up! 

It'll be nice to just get out of this town for a while, and see somewhere different.  I kinda knew it was time, when I asked the girl at the deli for "That fancy hipster grilled cheese", and she just gave me an angry scowl, and annoyed "What?", and I just walked away, too disappointed to eat.  (How about the only grilled cheese on your menu... the one that boasts about it's 3 cheeses in one sandwich... it's all the hipster rage... do you live under a rock?  The red Ronald McDonald streaks in your hair gave a more "I know what's up" vibe than your face and mouth gave off when you started to talk.  My mistake.).  It was the same grocery store where the cashier did not appreciate my quest for Schweddy Balls ice cream (Grocery tomfoolery, pretty tools, and invisible flowers).  It's like it's a requirement to completely lack a sense of humor to work there.  Take me on vacation, and deliver me from evil boredom. 

Alright, so someone who is never boring, is my 4 year old.  So, to wrap up, I'll throw in a kidism for you:

Me Honey, do you really want to wear those jeans.  You can, but they do have holes in them.

Son No, Mom, those are not holes. Those are my knee air conditioners.

Me Ah, and to think I almost threw them out.  I just did not even realize how high tech your pre-school fashion was.  Enjoy your ventilation.  

 

You're the best, because it could be worse!

You know that pleasantly surprising moment when your significant other is speaking to you from their heart in a sweet, and touching way, as they express what you mean to them, and then.... well I'll just let this speak for itself.

Husband I was just thinking today how lucky I am.  I'm really so happy you're mine.

Me Awe, that's sweet.  Thank you.  I'm lucky to have you, too!

Husband No, really.  I was out at Wal Mart today, and it made me remember how good I have it.  I mean, you're not a meth-head.

Me Um, yeah.  Wait, is this a compliment compared to meth-heads?

Husband No, no!  You're a gorgeous woman, AND you're not a meth-head.  

Me Well, way to set the bar so incredibly high.  I mean, how will I ever be able to really live up to this "not a meth-head" requirement for your love?  Especially since I have all that free time, and I did go through all that trouble to build a lab and all.

Husband Well, I was looking around Wal Mart, and I realized it can't be easy in this town to be a woman and NOT be a meth-head.

Me I'm pretty sure your sample group was a little skewed, but yeah... I think I can continue with my struggle to be strong in this fight to resist meth.

Husband See, I'm a lucky man.

Me Great.  By the way, this beautiful moment has made me realize how lucky I am... that we did not write our own vows.  

I was thinking about this conversation earlier today while I was out shopping.  I realized that moment could come in handy.  I figured that when I come home from shopping, bags in hand, and my husband gives me that "WHAT did you buy?!" look... I can cheerfully point out "I'm not a meth-head!", and suddenly everything will be put in perspective.    

So, this just happened...

Husband So is your catnip done?

Me What?

Husband *much more slowly* Is. your. catnip. done?

Me What are you talking about?  It's still out there.  It'll just keep growing.

Husband Now what are YOU talking about?

Me What are YOU talking about?

Husband The catnip.

Me Yeah, me too.  What do you mean "is it done?"  It's like several bushes out there... it just keeps coming back, and it's still out there.  

Husband Not that catnip.

Me What other catnip is there?!  Ooooooooooooh.  Wait.  Dammit.  Yeah, that was probably done hours ago.

Thank goodness my husband doesn't expect anything other than this kind of conversation from me.  In my defense, how often does someone actually COOK catnip?  I'm guessing that, unless I want to never hear the end of it, I probably won't be cooking it again.  Sorry, cats.

This may be why they don't let me go out.

Often when I go out and my husband hears about how my little adventures out in the real world turn out, he winds up pointing out "And this is why you aren't allowed to go out."  This was one of those nights.  (When I say night, I mean 4pm, which we have already been over with the girl at the concession stand who was very young and probably woke up and started the day about an hour before I called it 'night' at 4pm.)  My sister tried to sum it up on her facebook...

Sis after movies and running around town with my sister, I now have a few apology cards to write to some businesses... First up...
Dear Arbys Drive-Through guy, I'm sorry we sexually harassed you via Dane Cook jokes...  
Next - Dear Dicks Sporting Goods cashier..

Me  Hey, when a woman asks you for pickles in sexy (read insane and creepy) voice, you give her pickles, and you thank her for her business.

Me  And, I believe the Dicks guy used the word "enthusiastic", and he probably wasn't just using that because it was more polite than "batshit crazy." Probably.

Sis  I think it was a code word... like a safety code...


Me Well clearly we should have agreed on the safe word BEFORE he asked me if I had a Dicks card. Because I clearly took that to mean I should keep up the good work.

Don't even read this

Now is your chance to turn and run.  I'm going to share a conversation with my sister, that we could've had when we were immature children, but instead we had when I was somewhere in my 5th year of 28 (AKA tonight).  It could also be a conversation between 2 middle school boys in a locker room.  You've been warned.

Me I love Ron Swanson.

Sis  lol we just watched the episode from 2 weeks ago on On Demand, and there was a go green commercial with him in potato sack underwear

Me Wow.  I don't even know what to say about that.

Sis LOL
      i think he was talking about turning off the lights when not needing them, or the water... I don't know.. it was a half naked Ron Swanson on screen... a little disturbing. THen he pointed to his brown ruff looking underwear and said you could save them for a special occasion...

Me  Yeah, lights and water, two things that go together really well. I'm pretty sure I will never be able to think of a reason to use potato sack underwear.

Sis well he was standing in a bathroom.. i think.

Me  In the water? Holding a light? Wearing a scratchy sack over his nethers?

Sis haha no! He was standing there, shirtless, hands on hips, brown sack like boxers on.. standing in front of a bathtub

Me Maybe it's on you tube.  haha

Sis I can't find it.  I've been searching this whole time.

Me  Try searching for Ron Swanson's scratchy sack sack. BRUHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sis  hahaha can we stop saying sack?? lol

Me It's like a Dr. Seuss Rhyme.  "The Sack in the Sack."

Sis lmao

Me I am Ron.  Ron Swan-sahn.  

Sis I'm in your freezer... with your name on me.   *And that, good people, is a Jimmy Fallon reference.*


Me I wear a sack. A potato sack. I like the sack on my sack. An itchy itchy, scratchy sack, I like to wear on my sack.
       The Bloggess better watch out. My new Dr. Seuss book is going to knock her out of the number one spot.

Sis  lol i let mom in on what was going on.. she's laughing now too

Me  I laughed, then cried, then nearly peed my pants and threw up at the same time, so I had to take a break from my new top seller.

Sis Mom said "That sack is full of scratch."

Me She'd be right.  At least she didn't say "That sack is full of shit."  That's a different commercial.  And I think Lisa Rinna is doing that one.

Sis lol


Hey!  I warned you!  If you made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back!  And remember, potato sacks do not make good skivvies.

 

And then it goes to the dogs

I think everyone has had one of those days where you just wake up hating everything.  There is no real reason (though I suspect it probably started with some strange dream that you just don't remember, but made you angry), but you feel miserable and unhappy the second you open your eyes.  Today was one of those days for me.  I can't remember my dreams, so I'm going to still stick with my dream theory for this one.  (I really had a dream one time in which my husband was horrible to me.  He was just mean, and rude, and just way over the top.  When he woke up *in real life*, I was glaring at him.  All I said was "You were such a jerk in my dream."  He pointed out it was just a dream, but it took me several hours to get over it, and stop being angry at him.  It was like those dreams where you feel yourself falling, except I felt myself boiling over at his behavior.  So this is what leads me to hold dreams accountable for unexplainable bad moods first thing in the morning.)

Anyway, back to my bad day.  So I was just off to a grumpy start.  Everything was irritating, and I just had the goal of being clean and keeping the children safe, fed, and getting the oldest one to school on time.  Then, on the way to complete my mission, I saw something flying past the rear window of my car.  Mail.  My husband had left mail sitting on the roof of my SUV, so I didn't notice it, and now it was flying off my roof, in the rain, onto a street during the busy morning rush.  I will spare everyone the conversation I was having with my imaginary friend as I retrieved all the, what I then discovered was junk, mail after making a 3 point turn in the middle of traffic.  Just retelling this story annoys me.  Luckily, everyone stopped for the crazy woman in lounge pants and purple converse sneakers, swearing at her coupon mailers in the middle of the street, in the rain, so I didn't get hit by a car to top it off.

I managed to make it home safely, but then was busy locking up my angry cats, and trying to keep the baby confined so I could prepare for a 3rd day of our friend fixing up the basement for us.  The cats are angry and loud, and the baby is angry and loud, and the tools are loud, and I just want to crawl under my covers, have a nervous breakdown, and probably drink... a lot. 

The rest of the morning and early afternoon are spent with me trying to find ways to quiet everything down, and find some sort of calm, but my efforts were unsuccessful.  So, when I thought of leaving the house to take some food over to the neighbor, I should have reminded myself that I wasn't have great luck INSIDE the house, and even less when I previously tried to venture outside.  But, I went out anyway, and that's when a dog used me to clean off his paws after apparently doing his business.  All I could think was, "Perfect.  This is the perfect metaphor for the day.  I am now a shit napkin."

So, there you have it.  Hopefully tomorrow I will not be a shit napkin, and instead I can just turn back into a human being.  Lucky for me, my day did wind down with some laughs from a few of my friends, and so I do feel hopeful for tomorrow.  When you have one of these days, just imagine I am holding the covers open for you to crawl into, handing you whatever your drink of choice is, and telling you to stay inside, away from dogs, because they are waiting for you.