Monday, May 21, 2012

Somebody needs to tell him...

**Caution:  You may find this offensive, I guess, so there is your warning.  Also, if this is offensive to you, you probably don't want to read anything else on this blog, either.**

My husband was complaining to me about the aloe strips on razors, and I had very little sympathy for him just not liking the gooey-ness, because he's never shaved his legs with a fresh aloe stripped razor, and then went on to wash the rest of his body, only to realize he is ALLERGIC to something in that aloe-goo.  AND  he didn't find out by suddenly realizing, mid-shower, that someone has set his nether-region on FIRE, and wonder how that even happened since you are standing in a box full of water.  But you know, this must be a fire, and how did that even happen?  Oh dear God, you got that aloe-goo from the razor on your legs and wiped it off with the wash cloth, and then washed the rest of your body with it, and now your girl parts have gone up in imaginary, but quite painful flames.  But, please, husband... tell me how you just don't like the slimy trails left on your face.  That must be such a pain in the ass for you.  Have I expressed the proper amount of concern on my face, because I'm trying very hard to look like this must be a huge inconvenience for you.  So he does tell me more...

Husband Well I don't know why it even bothers you.  I mean, I even get little cuts on my face while shaving, and the aloe gets in that and it doesn't hurt or burn me at all.  

Me *with that "oh I just remembered something" look on my face* Hey, guess what?!

Husband What?

Me Those little cuts on your face are NOT vaginas.  

Husband Well, it's gotta be close.

Me No.  They are two very different animals.  For starters... you should try not to keep cutting your face, but a woman should really try to keep having a vagina.  See, one is actually supposed to be there.  

Husband Yeah, but they are both still gateways to the rest of the body.

Me Kinda, but one is man-made.  I mean, a vagina has it's on ecosystem.  It's very complicated, and has many purposes, and plays a huge part in the whole "circle of life".  The cuts on your face aren't really contributing to the continuation of the human race in such a profound way.  Has a baby ever emerged from your face?  I didn't think so.

Husband You are totally underestimating my face boo-boos.  Also, you've said "vagina" too many times now.  We should probably talk about something else.  

Me I didn't realize there was a limit, but there is something else I needed to talk to you about, so when you're done carving little vaginas into your face with the poison tipped razor, I need you to look at my laptop.  I think it has a virus.

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