Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Smokey The Bear and Were-beavers: Two things that aren't, but should be in horror movies

And as we rounded one of the many, beautifully green and lush curves of the densely wooded mountain, the silence was broken with cries of "WERE-BEAVERS!!!"

There should probably be a book somewhere that starts like that.  It's probably a horror story... I mean were-beavers sound pretty terrifying.  Beavers aren't too cute and cuddly in the first place.  They are hardly anything like the impossibly adorable otters.  But, you throw in the "were", and suddenly they are tiny killing machines, lurking in the shadows around peaceful creeks.  They quite literally live in the village of the "dam"med.  I haven't gotten my husband to explain why he shrieked his were-beaver warning on our north-bound drive, but I just assumed he was coming down with some temporary tourette's because I didn't see any beavers, let alone were-beavers (whom I suppose look a lot like normal beavers, but still have tiny little ascots around their neck, left over from the flamboyant attire they tend to wear while in human form).  I thought it was safer to just let him be, and pretend nothing unusual was going on.  I'm faced with that decision in our lives on a daily basis.  It's usually better not to ask.

I may not have seen the danger beavers, but I did see a threatening Smokey The Bear, standing with his shovel on a sign near a park.  Right across from that sign was another, warning: "NO COMFORT FACILITIES!"

Me What is this all about?  Were they getting sick of people with confused looks on their faces, wandering around the parking lot looking for a comfy place to curl up with a good book?

Husband I don't know, but clearly there are no comfort facilities, so don't even THINK about pulling over and getting comfortable.  Smokey the Bear will personally fuck you up if you get too cozy.  He's standing right there, shovel in hand, wearing his trademark "Give me a reason" face.  I mean, can't they just say "There are no shitters."  That seems less violent. 

Me Less violent, and more clear.  Although, I sure hope everyone gets the irony of the sign's location behind the "Comfort Inn" billboard.  Maybe it's less of a sign pertaining to the little picnic area, and more of a protest sign put there by disgruntled Comfort Inn patrons.  They were all "How DARE they call that place a Comfort Inn?  There are NO COMFORT FACILITIES anywhere on the premises. We should warn people.  Someone call Smokey, he's already angry."

At least these strange woodland creatures helped to keep our 7 hour drive up north interesting.  Between spotting these angry animals, and discovering "drunk fitness" clubs, and pondering what kind of marketing sense it makes for a liquor store to advertise "Wednesday is Men's Day!  10% off wine!", we had a fun drive that went about as fast as 7 hours could go.

Of course, the time we spent with our friends AFTER the drive was far superior to the drive up, and we had way more laughs once we got there, but THAT is for another blog post... If I can even find a way to put it into words.  :)

No comments:

Post a Comment