Last night my husband attended a party for his boss at work. They're friends, I'd say, as are most of the people on his team. So they went to "Grown Up Chuck E Cheese", as I call it. The party was supposed to start at 4:30, so he said he'd be home by the boy's bath time, 8pm. So, I get a call at 7:30...
Him Hi, honey! This is going a little later than I thought, so is it okay if I stay even if it means me missing the boy's bedtime? I'd like to play a game of bowling.
Me *sarcasm* No, I need you to get home in time for this bath, thanks for asking! You're like what, an hour away? Oh WAIT... so what you MEAN to say is "Honey, there is no way I'm going to make it home in time for the boy's bath like I said I would. I just wanted to let you know I will be late, and I really think we should buy you some new Manolo's.
Him There IS a Neiman Marcus here. *sigh* This is going to be the most expensive game of bowling in history.
Me Size 8 1/2. Better yet, you can take me there this weekend so that I may choose the pair that you may buy me.
*Very ridiculous attempt at a woman's voice from some coworker* Oh honey, come on, come over here. I'm waiting. Let's go.... what are you doing?"
Husband That's Brandon. He thinks he's funny.
Me Well, tell Brandon that if he wants to make himself sound believably like someone my husband would cheat with, he should aim for less Minnie Mouse and more Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Husband Touche. Wait, Brandon wants to talk to you. *muffled voice* I dunno, man. I'm not sure it's a good idea. You've done SO well already, don't you think? You don't know her... you won't win. No. one. can. win.
Me What is going on?
Him Brandon wants to know if you're angry.
Me About what? I mean, sure you called to pretend to be a gentleman and ASK (from over an hour away) if it was okay if you stayed out past the time you were due home which would be in half an hour. I understand how math works and that it was therefore a fake question, but I'm not angry. You do far more stupid things that I must reserve my anger for. Have fun with your friends. I can handle bedtime.
Him Good, thanks! They have Jimmy Choo's, too.
Me You better go before your friends hear you and beat you up.
Cut to three hours later when he calls to tell me he's heading home....
Me See, much more stupid things....
Him What are you doing?
Me Getting ready for bed! I was waiting to set the alarm, but now you'll have to call me to turn it off because I'm setting it without you!
Him What are you wearing?
Me A frown and a frying pan.
Him The big one or the little one?
Me What's it matter? I can either whack ya with the big one, or make a shiv outta the little one's handle and stick ya.
Him The shoes aren't punishment enough?
Me That wasn't punishment! That was a party favor for ME, I was just trying to strike while the frying pan was hot.
Him It's iron, "while the iron's hot...".
Me No, I assure you, I'm holding a frying pan. You may want to just come in while the alarm is still set, help could come for you much faster. OR you could try to add "Oh, I"m going to be over 3 hours late." instead of "I think I'm going to miss being home in half an hour." to your next phone conversation, so I don't think you're bleeding in a ditch somewhere.
Him But you didn't call to check on me to see if I WAS in a ditch.
Me No, I was too busy looking at Manolo's online, picking out my bowling shoes.
Him So you weren't so worried.
Me No, you're pretty consistent about leaving out important details in conversation, so I just start filling in the blanks on my own. Like maybe "I won't be home in half an hour" could be paired with "Because I will be hanging with the guys for 3 more hours." or "Because I'm on my way to jail." or "Because I wanted to give you plenty of time to shop online without me pestering you about some silly 'budget'. How's three hours?" This time I assumed you meant number 3. Thanks!
Him The big one. Just hit me with the big frying pan.
Me Remember to call so I can turn off the alarm!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Maybe I just don't understand Christmas newsletters....
The best little holiday treat came in the mail today! Yes, I know, January 2nd, but the last straggling Christmas card with newsletter arrived today. Now I've gotten newsletters before, and they are usually pretty cute and happy and point out where the family is in life, maybe some milestones, in a few paragraphs. However, this gem was the longest 2 page humblebrag I had ever experienced in my life! It was golden! It was the perfect mix of "this very awesome thing you probably would die for is just SOOOOOOOOOO hard." and "oh our flawless offspring are so talented and beyond compare, it's simply inconvenient!" I certainly hope I can capture the essence of this literary masterpiece for you. It may not translate quite the same way as the original did as I read it aloud to my husband, in the appropriate "I probably even breathe better than you do" voice, but feel free to read this aloud in whatever obnoxious, yet so much better than you could ever be, voice that you feel fits. So, of course, this is MY version of the newsletter. Some facts have been changed, except for the number of vacations... that is pretty accurate, although it is hard to tell if some of the work travel was also used for vacation purposes, so if anything I UNDERestimated. All names have been changed, per usual. I didn't exaggerate as much as you think, but I will admit she didn't use the word "fucking".
Dearest Family and Friends,
Where can we even begin?! This year has been such a excitingly, fantastic, bittersweet, difficult, awesome, feel free to add any more adjectives challenge! We have been so busy, but we have been taking it so slow. Everyone moves so fast in this world, but OUR family had to take it down a notch. I mean, we have another child this year. Yes, we found out we were having another baby, and wouldn't you know it, he was born about 9 months later! How does this keep happening? I'm starting to think it's something we are doing. Nah! No one could've told me I'd have 3 kids, let alone have to be a mother to 3 DIFFERENT kids! Did you know you don't have the same baby more than once?! Well, we have learned this ultra important lesson in life. Heck, one is even a boy! Amazing.
I should remind you all that we have very important, busy jobs, and we travel loads. We get to bring our kids along or each other, and the company provides the airfare and babysitting and stuff, but I mean it's just so hard. I mean could you imagine it? I mean if you were lucky enough to have those kinds of opportunities. Having the choice to travel to other countries with your family or leave them with your nanny?! Who can live like this! Such changes!
Oh yes, we got a Nanny. We had to. 3 kids is like an entire herd... Remember, they are so different. They are even different ages! The one is always getting into stuff, and she's only 2! Who knew 2 year olds are so busy?! She actually needs stuff to play with. Our other kid was just happy to sit and watch the walls while holding onto a piece of tape. But this one, she wants to move and play. When she gets angry at us she has the audacity to use her sign language that they taught her in her exclusive day care to sign "Help!" and if we don't answer "Help please!" Then she redirects herself. She's such a difficult child. Thank goodness for our Nanny, Jessica... she helps complete "Team Katie" as all my other ladies who lunch friends call me.
So, after getting a nanny, and having that extra baby, we had some friends and family pass on, so we decided it was time to just get away, the two of us, to Ireland. But, we did eat lunch where the cure for cancer was discovered! So, it was not just a vacation, but it was an ultra important one because something beyond what you are personally capable of doing happened years ago in the very same location where we ate a sandwich. Then we got to go on 9 other family vacations, ski vacations, destination weddings, visiting family and friends all around the country, oh and we just cannot stop traveling to Hawaii for work! It's been so rough. Now you can see why we are taking it so easy, because it's so hard to have 3 kids, a nanny, and this many vacations. Can you imagine?
When I had the baby, it was summer time, and it was hot! It was not winter at all. It was probably a good time to go to the beach or to hang out in our huge home with central air. We stayed inside all summer, seeking refuge, with our nanny. We did some organizing and learned how to be a family with 3 kids and a FUCKING LIVE IN FULL TIME BABYSITTER. I don't know how we do it, but we're up to the challenge! The kids also got lice on one of our vacations. Why they had to do that while I was on maternity leave rather than when I was at work and leaving it completely for the nanny to handle alone, I don't know. Life is just so not fair.
Well, our baby has been studying with Bruce Lee and Mr. Miyagi, and is now a baby ninja. Our first grader learned to read, AND is the modern child Mozart, AND she still finds time to "take care of the babies". I'm just so relieved she learned to read. That just opens doors for you! I wish she'd find time to just be a little girl, but I keep having these babies so the nanny is pret-ty busy and really needs her help. That nanny helps ups with every single thing we do. She is there day and night. I get sick of it and think I'm done with help, and then realize I need more!
Two of our family pets died, and here, let me give you the full description of this horrifying freak incident that killed the second one (yeah, I won't do that to you because you don't need to have a panic attack from a Christmas newsletter) If only we had hired a pet nanny.
Our car ran out of oil, and I was like "Hey, shouldn't our car nanny be changing that or something?"
So, anyway, I'm sorry this is getting to you a little late, but my secretary took forever to type it up, and then the nanny forgot to mail it from our vacation in South Africa. I'm so embarrassed! I hope everyone can forgive me!
I hope this letter brings you up to date on our little, slow paced lives. I hope you can forgive us for not being in a lot of touch with all of you, but we just have to go slow. With 3 kids you just have to sit back, get a nanny, and play defense. I can't wait to see them all when we get home from this cruise we are on. I wonder if there will be a new baby there! Maybe it will be a DIFFERENT one than the ones we already had!
Life is amazing!
Love,
Katie
Oh and Jeff and the Nanny, Jessica
Oh yeah, and those kids, all 3 of them, they each have their own name, too!
So, in summary, Merry Christmas! Your life sucks. Our life is so superior that we just cannot even stand it! (And you're probably reading this with your brood of kids running around half naked, covered in jam, chasing your terrified family pets around, in your own home, not on vacation, by yourself, with no pesky Nanny.)
Dearest Family and Friends,
Where can we even begin?! This year has been such a excitingly, fantastic, bittersweet, difficult, awesome, feel free to add any more adjectives challenge! We have been so busy, but we have been taking it so slow. Everyone moves so fast in this world, but OUR family had to take it down a notch. I mean, we have another child this year. Yes, we found out we were having another baby, and wouldn't you know it, he was born about 9 months later! How does this keep happening? I'm starting to think it's something we are doing. Nah! No one could've told me I'd have 3 kids, let alone have to be a mother to 3 DIFFERENT kids! Did you know you don't have the same baby more than once?! Well, we have learned this ultra important lesson in life. Heck, one is even a boy! Amazing.
I should remind you all that we have very important, busy jobs, and we travel loads. We get to bring our kids along or each other, and the company provides the airfare and babysitting and stuff, but I mean it's just so hard. I mean could you imagine it? I mean if you were lucky enough to have those kinds of opportunities. Having the choice to travel to other countries with your family or leave them with your nanny?! Who can live like this! Such changes!
Oh yes, we got a Nanny. We had to. 3 kids is like an entire herd... Remember, they are so different. They are even different ages! The one is always getting into stuff, and she's only 2! Who knew 2 year olds are so busy?! She actually needs stuff to play with. Our other kid was just happy to sit and watch the walls while holding onto a piece of tape. But this one, she wants to move and play. When she gets angry at us she has the audacity to use her sign language that they taught her in her exclusive day care to sign "Help!" and if we don't answer "Help please!" Then she redirects herself. She's such a difficult child. Thank goodness for our Nanny, Jessica... she helps complete "Team Katie" as all my other ladies who lunch friends call me.
So, after getting a nanny, and having that extra baby, we had some friends and family pass on, so we decided it was time to just get away, the two of us, to Ireland. But, we did eat lunch where the cure for cancer was discovered! So, it was not just a vacation, but it was an ultra important one because something beyond what you are personally capable of doing happened years ago in the very same location where we ate a sandwich. Then we got to go on 9 other family vacations, ski vacations, destination weddings, visiting family and friends all around the country, oh and we just cannot stop traveling to Hawaii for work! It's been so rough. Now you can see why we are taking it so easy, because it's so hard to have 3 kids, a nanny, and this many vacations. Can you imagine?
When I had the baby, it was summer time, and it was hot! It was not winter at all. It was probably a good time to go to the beach or to hang out in our huge home with central air. We stayed inside all summer, seeking refuge, with our nanny. We did some organizing and learned how to be a family with 3 kids and a FUCKING LIVE IN FULL TIME BABYSITTER. I don't know how we do it, but we're up to the challenge! The kids also got lice on one of our vacations. Why they had to do that while I was on maternity leave rather than when I was at work and leaving it completely for the nanny to handle alone, I don't know. Life is just so not fair.
Well, our baby has been studying with Bruce Lee and Mr. Miyagi, and is now a baby ninja. Our first grader learned to read, AND is the modern child Mozart, AND she still finds time to "take care of the babies". I'm just so relieved she learned to read. That just opens doors for you! I wish she'd find time to just be a little girl, but I keep having these babies so the nanny is pret-ty busy and really needs her help. That nanny helps ups with every single thing we do. She is there day and night. I get sick of it and think I'm done with help, and then realize I need more!
Two of our family pets died, and here, let me give you the full description of this horrifying freak incident that killed the second one (yeah, I won't do that to you because you don't need to have a panic attack from a Christmas newsletter) If only we had hired a pet nanny.
Our car ran out of oil, and I was like "Hey, shouldn't our car nanny be changing that or something?"
So, anyway, I'm sorry this is getting to you a little late, but my secretary took forever to type it up, and then the nanny forgot to mail it from our vacation in South Africa. I'm so embarrassed! I hope everyone can forgive me!
I hope this letter brings you up to date on our little, slow paced lives. I hope you can forgive us for not being in a lot of touch with all of you, but we just have to go slow. With 3 kids you just have to sit back, get a nanny, and play defense. I can't wait to see them all when we get home from this cruise we are on. I wonder if there will be a new baby there! Maybe it will be a DIFFERENT one than the ones we already had!
Life is amazing!
Love,
Katie
Oh and Jeff and the Nanny, Jessica
Oh yeah, and those kids, all 3 of them, they each have their own name, too!
So, in summary, Merry Christmas! Your life sucks. Our life is so superior that we just cannot even stand it! (And you're probably reading this with your brood of kids running around half naked, covered in jam, chasing your terrified family pets around, in your own home, not on vacation, by yourself, with no pesky Nanny.)
Friday, December 21, 2012
I haven't been around, blame Gateway
So, as you may recall, or may not, I got a new laptop for my birthday (well a few weeks before it, but it was my gift). Instantly we could tell it was broken. The touch pad would not work while the laptop was plugged in. So, as long as the battery was charged, you were okay, at least at this point, but as soon as you ran out of battery and had to plug it in... no working laptop. So, this has put a major hiccup into my blogging for the past few months. We paid to send it back, they sent it back. I sat down to write on it (not for the blog, but for an actual book), and totally unusable. Same problem. I had half a sentence written. So, we sent it back, again, this time they provided a label, and my husband provided a "do not send this back unless the problem is fixed" note with it. We got it back today, problem not fixed. So, now it's my turn with customer service...
Connected
Subin (Listening)
Subin: Hi, my name is Subin. How may I help you?.
Me: Hello
Me:
Why does gateway continue to send my BRAND NEW, yet BROKEN computer
back to me without repairing it? Do they think I enjoy going long
periods of time without my computer just to keep shipping it back and
forth for nothing? Do they think it's funny to take our money and give
me a product I can not properly use? I am a writer, and have lost 2
months of writing time to this problem. Who would like to pay me for my
time? It seems more simple to just replace the machine and waste your
own time looking for the problem that we have recorded and documented on
video, than to continue with this game of sending it back to me, twice
now, still broken. You are wasting my time, infuriating me, and
displaying a total lack of interest in keeping customers or the fact
that you are losing potential customers every time I share this story
with anyone. You have sold me a broken machine. You need to replace it
at this point. Sending it back to me over and over again, still unable
to use, at all, once the battery is run down and it needs to be plugged
in, which then for some reasons renders the touch pad completely
useless, is no longer acceptable. It wasn't acceptable in the first
place, but at this point in time, I'm considering this a theft of my
money for a worthless product that came not at all as advertised (which
is mainly because you advertise you can USE the machine, and I CANNOT
use mine). Also, your company has cost me money to ship the laptop back
the first time. The second time they issued a label, but really there
should never have been a second time, now should there? No. Who do I
need to report this to? Corporate?
Subin: I am really sorry to know that.
Me: Me, too!
Subin: not to worry, in this case, I will transfer the chat to our level 2 support.
Me: Thank you.
Subin: They will help you with this.
Me: ok
Subin: Unfortunately our next level of support working hours is between 8 AM to 4.45 PM CST (Monday to Friday)
Subin:
Could you please get back to us within 8 AM and 4.45 PM CST (Monday to
Friday) so that we will go ahead and transfer the chat session to our
level 2 technician.
Subin: Is that okay with you?
Subin: I will document all your concern and provide the case ID.
Me:
Well, it's not really okay since it is the weekend now and then we have
the holidays here, so it's going to put me out of work for too long,
again... but since there is no other way, I will get back during those
times.
Subin: I can really understand your situation.
Subin: I would be unhappy if that happened to me too.
Me: Is there a case ID number?
Subin: Yes. Let me document all your concern in detail.
Me: Ok
Subin: I apologize if I ever disappointed you over the chat. I have done my best to assist you with the available resources.
Me: Thank you for trying to help\
Subin: please contact us back during the level 2 timing. We will transfer the chat to level 2 support.
Me: Thank you
Subin: You are welcome.
Subin: I appreciate you for the valuable time that you spent with me.
Connected
Subin (Listening) Subin: Hi, my name is Subin. How may I help you?. Me: Hello Me:
Why does gateway continue to send my BRAND NEW, yet BROKEN computer
back to me without repairing it? Do they think I enjoy going long
periods of time without my computer just to keep shipping it back and
forth for nothing? Do they think it's funny to take our money and give
me a product I can not properly use? I am a writer, and have lost 2
months of writing time to this problem. Who would like to pay me for my
time? It seems more simple to just replace the machine and waste your
own time looking for the problem that we have recorded and documented on
video, than to continue with this game of sending it back to me, twice
now, still broken. You are wasting my time, infuriating me, and
displaying a total lack of interest in keeping customers or the fact
that you are losing potential customers every time I share this story
with anyone. You have sold me a broken machine. You need to replace it
at this point. Sending it back to me over and over again, still unable
to use, at all, once the battery is run down and it needs to be plugged
in, which then for some reasons renders the touch pad completely
useless, is no longer acceptable. It wasn't acceptable in the first
place, but at this point in time, I'm considering this a theft of my
money for a worthless product that came not at all as advertised (which
is mainly because you advertise you can USE the machine, and I CANNOT
use mine). Also, your company has cost me money to ship the laptop back
the first time. The second time they issued a label, but really there
should never have been a second time, now should there? No. Who do I
need to report this to? Corporate? Subin: I am really sorry to know that. Me: Me, too! Subin: not to worry, in this case, I will transfer the chat to our level 2 support. Me: Thank you. Subin: They will help you with this. Me: ok Subin: Unfortunately our next level of support working hours is between 8 AM to 4.45 PM CST (Monday to Friday) Subin:
Could you please get back to us within 8 AM and 4.45 PM CST (Monday to
Friday) so that we will go ahead and transfer the chat session to our
level 2 technician. Subin: Is that okay with you? Subin: I will document all your concern and provide the case ID. Me:
Well, it's not really okay since it is the weekend now and then we have
the holidays here, so it's going to put me out of work for too long,
again... but since there is no other way, I will get back during those
times. Subin: I can really understand your situation. Subin: I would be unhappy if that happened to me too. Me: Is there a case ID number? Subin: Yes. Let me document all your concern in detail. Me: Ok Subin: I apologize if I ever disappointed you over the chat. I have done my best to assist you with the available resources. Me: Thank you for trying to help\ Subin: please contact us back during the level 2 timing. We will transfer the chat to level 2 support. Me: Thank you Subin: You are welcome. Subin: I appreciate you for the valuable time that you spent with me.
So we can all take a moment to enjoy the following things:
#1 My husband never managed to get to this super secret "level 2", but one time with the scorned woman....
#2 Poor Subin trying to use the script they give the customer service people to try and deal with "woman of fury" over here, but that is pretty freakin hilarious
#3 Oh yeah, just fuck you Gateway, send me a replacement and stop wasting my time. The people want new blog posts, and it's kind hard to type these things up on my phone! Oy!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Are you here for the coffee or the kid?
Today I put my son in time out at the grocery store. Right there. The next to last aisle. I set a timer. I'm not playing around y'all. Anyway, as he sat there amongst the coffee creamer and Folgers, a shaved headed, tattooed, portly fellow noticed us. He gave me a quick grin from out of my son's view, then he approached us. He bent down towards my kid and in a scruffy voice said "You waiting' for someone to take 'em?!" I looked at him, very serious, and said "You never know, maybe!" My son sat straight up, stared at us, and moved a little closer to the cart. As the man walked away, the time out alarm went off. My son stood up, took his place next to me & behaved quite nicely as we made our way to the front of the store where I was going to meet up with my husband. Then my son said "By the way, I'm looking for Daddy. I should walk with him!". I wasn't too upset over the diss, as he was still behaving. :)
Quick, unrelated note. My laptop has been sent for repairs, yes my brand new one they sent back without fixing the first time. I have not forgot about the blog. Today's little post was short enough to do on my phone, though. :) I will return!
Quick, unrelated note. My laptop has been sent for repairs, yes my brand new one they sent back without fixing the first time. I have not forgot about the blog. Today's little post was short enough to do on my phone, though. :) I will return!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Something's a little off...
Any female with long hair, and a few adventurous men will know exactly what I'm talking about here, and I won't seem crazy. I'm just putting that in up front, because there is a percentage of you who will react the same way my husband did. However, trust me, it's a real thing. As for the second part, well if you can't see things clearly... ah well, just read it.
Me Alright, I gotta go take a shower. My hair doesn't feel right in my head.
Husband Wait, what?
Me I am going up to take a shower, watch the kids.
Him No, not that part, the hair part. Your hair is coming out, or you think it will, or it doesn't belong there? What is going on?
Me Oh, yeah. My hair doesn't feel right in my head.
Him Should it be somewhere else?
Me No, this isn't like my hair is getting emotional about it's location. It just feels wrong. Like it was sitting funny.
Him Somehow, your explanation is not making the situation any more clear.
Me Well it's probably like when you pet a cat in the wrong direction.
Him Nope, never been a cat. Still have no idea what you are talking about.
Me My hair must've been going in the wrong direction, and now it feels weird, almost painful.
Him How does it go the wrong direction?
Me *sigh* Well, kind of like if you have it pulled up too tight, or hair that usually is draped to one side is suddenly on the other side all day, and you go to move it back and it hurts your scalp. Like at the root. Come on, now. Is this enough information for you? Can I go wash my hair so it stops feeling weird in my head.
Him Are you sure you didn't just hit your head on something.
Me Yeah, a brick wall, in like 2 seconds.
Him Okay, go wash your weird hair.
Me Thank you!
Obviously, getting to the shower was hard enough. I've never had to work so hard for one before, as a matter of fact. But, I still don't have my new contacts, so now I'm taking what is probably a legally blind shower, and I hate that. Of course, there was a terrifying incident...
Husband Does your hair feel better?
Me Yes, but now I have chest pains.
Husband How did you manage that? To go in with hair pains and come out with a heart attack?
Me It's not a heart attack. It's a panic attack. There was a tarantula in the shower with me.
Husband What. are. you. talking. about?
Me Well, I don't have my contacts in, so it's very hard to tell the difference between a sock fuzzy and a tarantula next to your foot in the shower when you can't see clearly. Needless to say, it was a terrifying moment, especially when it started to move. Was it moving because of water, or 8 furry killer spider legs.
Him First of all, I'm pretty sure tarantulas are not killer spiders. Second of all, HOW BIG ARE YOUR SOCK FUZZIES?
Me Well I don't know how big baby tarantulas are. They are probably about the same size as a sizeable sock fuzzy.
Him And where would this tarantula come from, in the first place?
Me You never know with you boys.
Him You're not right.
Me Well, at least I'm alive. I could have been killed in there had I not seen the tarantula and rinsed him down the drain.
Him You mean your sock fuzzy? At least your sock fuzzy didn't kill you? First your hair is unhappy with it's current position and now your fuzzies are going to kill you in the shower.
Me Well when you say it, it sounds stupid.
Him Yeah, it sounds stupid when you say it, too.
Me It could have been a deadly spider.
Him Are we done here?
Me For now, unless that spider crawls back up the drain.
*silence*
Me Alright, I gotta go take a shower. My hair doesn't feel right in my head.
Husband Wait, what?
Me I am going up to take a shower, watch the kids.
Him No, not that part, the hair part. Your hair is coming out, or you think it will, or it doesn't belong there? What is going on?
Me Oh, yeah. My hair doesn't feel right in my head.
Him Should it be somewhere else?
Me No, this isn't like my hair is getting emotional about it's location. It just feels wrong. Like it was sitting funny.
Him Somehow, your explanation is not making the situation any more clear.
Me Well it's probably like when you pet a cat in the wrong direction.
Him Nope, never been a cat. Still have no idea what you are talking about.
Me My hair must've been going in the wrong direction, and now it feels weird, almost painful.
Him How does it go the wrong direction?
Me *sigh* Well, kind of like if you have it pulled up too tight, or hair that usually is draped to one side is suddenly on the other side all day, and you go to move it back and it hurts your scalp. Like at the root. Come on, now. Is this enough information for you? Can I go wash my hair so it stops feeling weird in my head.
Him Are you sure you didn't just hit your head on something.
Me Yeah, a brick wall, in like 2 seconds.
Him Okay, go wash your weird hair.
Me Thank you!
Obviously, getting to the shower was hard enough. I've never had to work so hard for one before, as a matter of fact. But, I still don't have my new contacts, so now I'm taking what is probably a legally blind shower, and I hate that. Of course, there was a terrifying incident...
Husband Does your hair feel better?
Me Yes, but now I have chest pains.
Husband How did you manage that? To go in with hair pains and come out with a heart attack?
Me It's not a heart attack. It's a panic attack. There was a tarantula in the shower with me.
Husband What. are. you. talking. about?
Me Well, I don't have my contacts in, so it's very hard to tell the difference between a sock fuzzy and a tarantula next to your foot in the shower when you can't see clearly. Needless to say, it was a terrifying moment, especially when it started to move. Was it moving because of water, or 8 furry killer spider legs.
Him First of all, I'm pretty sure tarantulas are not killer spiders. Second of all, HOW BIG ARE YOUR SOCK FUZZIES?
Me Well I don't know how big baby tarantulas are. They are probably about the same size as a sizeable sock fuzzy.
Him And where would this tarantula come from, in the first place?
Me You never know with you boys.
Him You're not right.
Me Well, at least I'm alive. I could have been killed in there had I not seen the tarantula and rinsed him down the drain.
Him You mean your sock fuzzy? At least your sock fuzzy didn't kill you? First your hair is unhappy with it's current position and now your fuzzies are going to kill you in the shower.
Me Well when you say it, it sounds stupid.
Him Yeah, it sounds stupid when you say it, too.
Me It could have been a deadly spider.
Him Are we done here?
Me For now, unless that spider crawls back up the drain.
*silence*
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I don't see it.
Being the thrilling risk taker that I am, I opened my last pair of contacts before I had an eye appointment. Today, one of them ripped. I was lucky enough that someone cancelled their appt today, so I got in. However, I do get to wait about a week for my new contact lenses to come in, and so I'm stuck wearing my glasses for awhile. That's what I get for livin' on the edge.
Right away I startednot playing well with others making friends by refusing the eye drops. I insisted it was way more important for me to be able to see well enough to pick out some cute frames than for the doctor to see back into my eye better. A girl has to have priorities. At least I know mine. It did not occur to me that my vision would already be shot since I didn't have my contacts in. The minute I took my real glasses off, I realized I'd be picking out these glasses all blurry eyed, too. Hopefully the cute pair I picked out will still be cute when I go pick them up with clear vision.
Speaking of my cute new frames, the lady at the glasses kiosk in the office kept telling me the glasses I was choosing to look at were so "geek chic". I smiled at her, but I kept thinking "Ummmmm, normal, they are normal to me." They were all the only ones I'd even consider, so what does that say about me? I went with this great little pair that turned out to be Kate Spade, and then she pointed out I have expensive taste. So, expensive geek chic? What is the conversation we are having here? Is this like "hipster cat" saying "It cost a lot of money to look this poor?". I thought they were cute... not "revenge of the nerds". Not even "revenge of the nerds walks into Bergdorfs." Maybe I've shared enough of my life with a real geek that I can no longer recognize geek. Kind of like how you can't smell your own house anymore until you go on vacation and come back. I can't smell my own geek anymore.
I guess I'll find out when they come in, and I get the verdict from my family... as long as they haven't become geek-desensitized. Either way, it's going to be a long week wearing these old glasses that are from a couple prescriptions ago. I get to enjoy a nagging headache while I squint at everyone. I guess I'll finally know what it's like to be Gilbert Gottfried... minus the socially insensitive and inappropriate twitter outbursts.
Right away I started
Speaking of my cute new frames, the lady at the glasses kiosk in the office kept telling me the glasses I was choosing to look at were so "geek chic". I smiled at her, but I kept thinking "Ummmmm, normal, they are normal to me." They were all the only ones I'd even consider, so what does that say about me? I went with this great little pair that turned out to be Kate Spade, and then she pointed out I have expensive taste. So, expensive geek chic? What is the conversation we are having here? Is this like "hipster cat" saying "It cost a lot of money to look this poor?". I thought they were cute... not "revenge of the nerds". Not even "revenge of the nerds walks into Bergdorfs." Maybe I've shared enough of my life with a real geek that I can no longer recognize geek. Kind of like how you can't smell your own house anymore until you go on vacation and come back. I can't smell my own geek anymore.
I guess I'll find out when they come in, and I get the verdict from my family... as long as they haven't become geek-desensitized. Either way, it's going to be a long week wearing these old glasses that are from a couple prescriptions ago. I get to enjoy a nagging headache while I squint at everyone. I guess I'll finally know what it's like to be Gilbert Gottfried... minus the socially insensitive and inappropriate twitter outbursts.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
And still with the crickets
Every year the crickets try to hide from the cold in our garage. Pretty soon they start getting gutsy and try to make their way into our house. Of course, I do not appreciate their presence. There are like a million in that garage, and that is bad enough, but in my living room? Come on now! My kids think they are entertaining, and my cat's usually stare at them, perhaps mildly amused. Do they kill the crickets? No. They never take care of any bug, or even that one mouse that made it's way into our old house. They should probably start pulling their weight around here!
Yesterday was different, though. 2 crickets made their way in...
Me Honey, come on, I'll take you on a tour of cricket bodies and body parts. It starts on this floor, and then moves into the basement.
Husband There are crickets on these two floors?
Me Not exactly, there are most of two crickets on this floor, and then there are assorted cricket appendages downstairs. You'll have to pick them up, though, cause I don't want the kids driving their hot wheels through discarded cricket parts.
Husband I have to pick them up?
Me I don't touch bugs or bug pieces. I threw a tupperware container over one of the bodies upstairs, in case it was alive and had enough legs to jump, hop, or drag itself away.
Husband What is happening? Why are the crickets in pieces?
Me You'll have to ask the cats about that. One, or both, of them apparently went A Clockwork Orange on the crickets. I wonder if any got away to warn the others. Maybe this will take care of our problem.
Husband Maybe.
Me Of course, we are then left with the cat problem.
Husband What cat problem?
Me Well, obviously our cats enjoy dismembering things. You might want to sleep with one eye open.
Husband You are crazy.
Me No, the cats are crazy. Maybe we should take them to a cat shrink.
Husband Honey, maybe you should talk to the shrink.
Me Maybe YOU should talk to those crickets. They could point out the bad cat in the line up. Then we'll see who needs a shrink. Honey? Hoooooooooooney. You know, you are still gonna have to pick up these rotting cricket parts.
Update: There are still 2 cricket legs in the playroom.....
Yesterday was different, though. 2 crickets made their way in...
Me Honey, come on, I'll take you on a tour of cricket bodies and body parts. It starts on this floor, and then moves into the basement.
Husband There are crickets on these two floors?
Me Not exactly, there are most of two crickets on this floor, and then there are assorted cricket appendages downstairs. You'll have to pick them up, though, cause I don't want the kids driving their hot wheels through discarded cricket parts.
Husband I have to pick them up?
Me I don't touch bugs or bug pieces. I threw a tupperware container over one of the bodies upstairs, in case it was alive and had enough legs to jump, hop, or drag itself away.
Husband What is happening? Why are the crickets in pieces?
Me You'll have to ask the cats about that. One, or both, of them apparently went A Clockwork Orange on the crickets. I wonder if any got away to warn the others. Maybe this will take care of our problem.
Husband Maybe.
Me Of course, we are then left with the cat problem.
Husband What cat problem?
Me Well, obviously our cats enjoy dismembering things. You might want to sleep with one eye open.
Husband You are crazy.
Me No, the cats are crazy. Maybe we should take them to a cat shrink.
Husband Honey, maybe you should talk to the shrink.
Me Maybe YOU should talk to those crickets. They could point out the bad cat in the line up. Then we'll see who needs a shrink. Honey? Hoooooooooooney. You know, you are still gonna have to pick up these rotting cricket parts.
Update: There are still 2 cricket legs in the playroom.....
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