Saturday, January 7, 2012

Fighting zombies, one can of beeferoni at a time...

You know that awkward moment when your friend takes you into their spare bedroom, and you see it's filled with metal shelving units, piled high with canned and boxed dinners, juice, water, radios, guns, batteries, blankets... and you yell "Look out!  Zombies!  Thank God we're prepared!!"  No?  *nervous laugh*

Today we were visiting friends, and my husband called me back to the spare room, where the man was proudly showing off his new "emergency preparedness room". 

Husband "Hey, honey!  Come look at their zombie apocalypse preparedness room!!"

I, thinking he was just being a goofball, went back to see what they were fussing about, and there it was... in all it's super crazy glory... what used to be a spare bedroom was now stacked, wall to wall, with canned, boxed, vacuum sealed baggie dinners, lunches, breakfasts, snacks, waters, juices, a cabinet of guns and ammunition, blankets, radios, flashlights, camping lanterns... you name it.  Since I was having one of those days where the filter between my brain and mouth was completely missing, I instantly blurted out "Oh my God, this is insane!  What is all this?!"  It was insane, but part of me was a little giddy... like they had suddenly turned into extreme couponers and were collecting freebies for a church or something.  Then the man said "It's for an emergency!"  So, then came the "Look out!  Zombies!  Thank God we're prepared!!!".  He didn't look nearly as amused as my husband and I did.  I asked "No, really, what is all this?"

Friend "It's over three months worth of food, drink, safety/emergency supplies, batteries, generators... etc.  In case we can't get food and don't have electricity and stuff."

Me "Like what kind of emergency are we talking about here?  What 3 month emergency are you expecting?"

Friend "Well, like an ice storm..."

Me "Holy crap.  That is some epic ice storm.  I mean, in 3 months it's going to be another season.  How long is this ice storm going to last?!  Seriously, it's for zombies, isn't it?"

Friend "Well what if you can't get groceries..."

Me "For 3 months?!  Is this about 2012?  You know that food doesn't last forever.  Shouldn't you heat that stuff up before eating it?!  You won't have a microwave or oven... You're going to be throwing out and wasting so much food, and then money really because you have to restock in then..."

Friend "That's what the numbers are for... see this means it's best if eaten by May.  And, you can sit them in the sun to warm them."

Me "That is the biggest shit ton of beeferoni... Oh wait, are the boys calling for me?"

I promptly walked out of the room.  My mouth was not going to stop, and it was going to march me down a road lined with zombies and brainwashing that would only lead to a gory end, so I got outta there.  I directed my attention towards my children as an excuse... because that's why everyone has children... they are the best excuse for all your excuse needs.

Anywho... we made it through our brunch, and some visiting.  Then, the woman pulls out a book. 

Her This book is by a Jewish Rabbi!  Do you know him? *Have I mentioned that these are folks who obsess over my Jew-ness, and are constantly giving me more and more "authentic" Bibles, and mentioning anything Jewish they hear about, and send me Jewish website links through email ?

Me Yes.  All of us Jews know each other.  *crazy eyes*  I mean, no, of course not.

Her *Totally missing or ignoring my sarcasm... * Well, in this book he talks about all these prophecies about America from the Old Testament.  

Me Holy Hell!  America is in the Old Testament!?  I thought Columbus only got here in like 1492, and until then only the folk born here knew about here!!  It's in the BIBLE!?  9/11 is in the Bible?!  The OLD TESTAMENT none-the-less?!  I need to re-read that section.  Seriously?  

Her Yes, I saw it on a Christian program on daytime TV.

So of course, she saw it on tv, it must be true!  She's like 4 pages into the book, so I'm sure she's right.  Wait, give me a second... my eyes just rolled out of my head...

Now that I can see again, let's continue... Then we went to leave, and they noticed my new car.  The woman asked me what kind of gas mileage it got, and then proceeded to tell me her SUV "gets 34 miles per hour!" 

Me Miles per gallon?  We're talking fuel economy here, right?  Not speed.  

Her Oh yeah, miles per, whatever you said.

Me Gallon.  Your SUV?!  Is that a hybrid?  That is great for an SUV.  I mean a lot of cars don't get that.

Her No!  I would NEVER buy a hybrid.

Me *thinking Oh God, here we go...*  I would love a hybrid.  If this came in a hybrid, I'd totally get the hybrid version.  

Her I will never get one.  People are always being stranded in hybrids.  They run out of electricity, and they are always stuck at stop signs and traffic lights, and I have to get around them.

Me No, I'm pretty sure you're just supposed to stop at stop signs and traffic lights when they are red.  I haven't seen hybrids just stranded on the road like that... ever.  

Her You have to find a place to plug them in, and park at those plug thingies.

Me That's not exactly how hybrids work.

Her And gas just got more expensive!  It's only going to get worse!  They predict it will be over $4 soon!

Me Yeah, which is a great reason to get a hybrid.  You use less gas.  And, that's what happens when we are so dependent on things that come from volatile areas of the world.  It's not a shocking surprise that it goes up.  It's power to them.

Her It's Obama!!  I hate that man.  He is ruining this country and the world with his trickery.  This country is so much worse than it has ever been, and I cannot wait for the day he is gone!

Me See, we have very different opinions on things.  We're liberals.

Her What?  Why?  Don't you have morals and family values?

*Now it's this part right here where that missing filter would have come in real handy, and I had to literally stop the sarcasm from flying out of my mouth and hitting her in the face.  A solid "Of course not, all us liberals are souless, criminal human beings with no moral compass who want to destroy everyone and everything with our support for those less fortunate, wishes for everyone to get the health care that they need to live healthy lives, and our tendencies to be tolerant of each others' cultural, racial, sexual, or economical differences.  We are severely dangerous, total heathens.  Thank goodness they rounded us all up and stuck us in a group together with a name like "liberals".  Instead I went with:

Me Of course I have morals and family values.... just obviously not the same ones as you.  

She asked me what that meant and to give her reasons why I'd be liberal (because,  you know, everyone should have to explain themselves in these matters...) and, after I mentioned gay marriage her face scrunched up so badly that it nearly fell off.  That's when I abruptly ended the conversation, and said "We gotta go!", and my husband pulled the car out.  He had been talking to the man, but he had heard bits and pieces, and knew I had good reason to get the Hell out of Dodge.  

On our way home, we were discussing what the reasons could be for such sudden paranoia, and extremist activity.  We also realized our sons were given mint, uncirculated gold coins for college.  I came home, hit up Google.  What should appear?  Glenn Beck.  Everything they were saying, he has preached about on his show.  How does he do it?  Turn normal folk into crazy folk?  Like crazy, hill witch believing, folk... Ugh.

Then it hit me...

Me Oh my God, honey.  We're the crazy ones.

Him What?!

Me To them, we are the crazy ones.  We are the gay people lovin', charity givin, only 1 week emergency preparedness supply kit havin', souless-liberal crazy people!!!

That realization was equal parts awkward and awesome.  I mean, no one really wants to be thought of as the crazy people, but in all actuality, it's much more fun to be thought of as the crazy people.  I need a fun life, and not a paranoid life... so I guess it's true... You don't always get what you want, but most times you do get what you need. 

In the meantime, if you ever have a hankerin' for a lifetime supply of beeferoni, I know where you can find it. 


  1. I am in stiches after reading this particular post. LOL My friend is too, because I read it aloud to her, and I tried to insert all possible facial expressions and intonations. :-P I have to are a stronger woman than I...I would have had to interject after the first off-the-wall comment with something like "so, how about them 49ers?" I tend not to bring up politics and religion when hanging out with friends...I don't care to get into debates with the people I love. *HUGS*

  2. *sniffsniffsniff*
    Ahhh....brrrrains....mmmmm..must have..brrrainss..

    You read about people like that, but you don't really believe they exist, until you actually meet them.

    Kinda like zombies I guess. Scary.

  3. I agree with you, Melissa. I have my own opinions, and I voice them, but I don't just walk up to someone and out of no where hit them with politics or religion. Just like I don't walk up to them and start asking about the results of their latest colonoscopy or prostate exam. It just that stuff is their business. If they want to talk about it, they will. They don't need to explain themselves to me... unless they are trying to convert me, then I need some solid examples that hold up. haha

  4. Oh they do exist... they do. You just have to back away slowly, without looking them straight in the eye (that last part is mostly so you don't burst into giggles).