Sunday, January 22, 2012

And I wore that shoe like nobody's business...

What a weekend!  I'll get to an update about my crime spree at the end of this post, but for now... let's start with more pressing matters... Manolo Blahniks.

My husband and I had our annual "Mommy and Daddy get to go out on the town like grown-ups" yesterday.  It was his new(er) company's holiday party.  I had gotten myself a new party dress (and a super cute sweater, which, as it turns out, will not play nice with a sticky name tag), and *the most important part* some Spanx that go all the way up to your cheek bones.  I was set!  A few days before the party, I did my research on the venue and found it was being held at a galleria that housed nothing but luxury shops with anchor stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.  They had me at Saks, but when I saw Louis Vuitton, I knew I had to start making a wish list... also know as "This woman is delusional, and has created a list things she will not be purchasing with her imaginary millions of dollars to take back to her pretend castle to live out her princess fantasy even though she is a grown adult."  It was exciting for me to think about going somewhere that would remind me of some of my favorite places in New York, so, for maybe a hot minute, I could pretend I was back in the city I love.  Also, it was beyond exciting to go somewhere other than our local "mall" which is smaller than my old elementary school, and consists of, pretty much, a Sears, a Belk, and broken dreams.

We intended to head out early, mostly because of the ice and snow that threatened to spoil our day yesterday.  We didn't leave as early as we wanted, but we still got there 40 minutes early, which meant I had to prioritize.  We cut my itinerary down to Saks, Neiman Marcus, and Louis Vuitton.  I found the next purse I just have to have at Louis Vuitton.  It looks like a "Stewart's Strawberry Soda label", as my husband says.  It's also available for the low low price of $1,080.00  I bet, if I had asked, they would have just given it to me for free, simply because I deserve it.  We will just have to assume that is the case, because, thanks to our time restraint, I did not have time to discuss these matters with the salesfolk.  I had to move along to shoes.

Neiman Marcus had what almost every girl dreams of... designer shoe sale racks.  It was 65% off, last call, and it was Heaven.  I immediately found these pink and black, super cute Manolos.  Of course, they only have out the right shoe, so I could only try on one.  Once I had it on, though, I spent the next half an hour walking around the shoe department with that shoe on one foot, and the sad, ordinary shoe I had come in with, on the other foot.  At one point, my husband was standing there holding my shoe and my purse, as I made my way through the racks... fondling any shoe that caught my eye.  The salesman would come up to me, ask "Is there anything I can get for you, like the other shoe?"  and I would answer "No, nope.  I'm good with this one.  I'm still looking."  He'd back away, slowly, and come back about every five minutes.  My husband pointed out that maybe I should take the shoe off.  I told him that the salesman would probably ask him to take me out of the store before that happened, and then he'd have to drag me out.  Or maybe I'd just act all cool and natural and walk out with half a pair of shoes on my feet.  No one would notice, right?  One bright pink shoe would not catch anyone's eye next to a plain black shoe and black stockings, right?  *le sigh*

Husband *who suddenly has the Joker's grin on his face* Oh I will.  I will DRAG you out of here.  I don't have a problem doing that.

Me But, the shoes, they need me!

Husband I will drag you out of here.  You can go put your new car on your foot.

Me I can't put a car on my foot!  I can put my foot on a car, but that is totally different.  I can't wear my car in to a party, and, besides, it doesn't really match my outfit.

Husband You are missing the point.  I can explain it to you while I'm dragging you out of here.  Oh, look at the time, the party is starting.

Me *whispering to the shoe I am reluctantly taking off, and putting back on the rack for someone who, I'm sure, will not care about it the same way I do* Wait for me!

So, we headed over to the party.  I had not previously met any of my husband's coworkers, and I was so happy to find out they were all so very nice... but, more importantly, funny.  I counted zero sticks in the mud, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.  I believe these two things are related.  The food was great, and the drinks looked wonderful, too, but I did avoid any alcohol, lest I become a swollen, purple/red tomato (thanks to an alcohol allergy).  Instead, I had soda.  Now, I'll remind you all that we had a long drive to get there, I had already been there shopping for 40 minutes before the party, I now had 3 drinks between my soda and water, and I'm wearing Spanx.  I made the decision to wait it out.  I knew, in order to use the bathroom, there would be a wrestling match with those "underlies", as I prefer to call them.  I was not looking forward to that.  We all know, that since the increase in the usage of Spanx, they have not appropriately increased the size of the bathroom stalls to accommodate the struggles of women wearing them who have the unfortunate circumstance of having to pee.  Spanx are wonderful, and I cannot possibly gush about how effective they are, but they are a nightmare in this department.  Putting them on in the first place, is difficult, and once you're in .... you're in.  Between the laughing, grunting, jumping up and down, rolling on the bed... it might seem like I'm wrestling with a terrifyingly large, stuffed bunny to anyone inside our house who can hear the commotion.  However, 20 minutes later *as long as you haven't poked a hole through them with your finger nails* you emerge a thinner, smoother version of yourself.  That's priceless, and well worth the fight to get them on.  Hooray for Spanx!

Someone did point out to me that the point probably is to NOT admit to wearing them, but I have nothing to hide... except for what I'm hiding with my Spanx... that I DO want to hide.  And you probably should thank me for doing so, as you're the ones who have to look at me.

I did, eventually *after waiting it out 'til the last second to make it count* throw in the towel and enter the ladies room for the "Saturday Night rumble".  I emerged victorious.  The Spanx never stood a chance.  Also, it helped that the handicapped accessible stall was available.

Despite the physical labor involved with dressing up, I had a fantastic time.  We had some fun and interesting conversations, learned new things, and had time out without the kids!  The best take home lesson of the day was some very creative parenting advice.  Consider having older children clean large household appliances, and detail the family cars, as consequences for inappropriate behavior.  At some point, though, it seems you reach the point of just hoping they smartmouth you, cause the fridge could stand to be cleaned.   Chances are, though, they will.

Alright, quick update on my thievery.... I did return to Walgreen's first thing the next morning, and paid for my vaporub and toothbrushes.  The conversation started with:

Hey, I shoplifted, accidentally, these things, yesterday.  Well, really my stroller did, but I was an accomplice.  I did give these things to the stroller to hold, and then it completely hid them from view, so I forgot about them once I got to the register and paid for the rest of my stuff.  Sorry about that.  I'm pretty sure the stroller is sorry, too.  In the very least, it should be ashamed of itself.

The cashiers actually hugged me, had a good laugh, and told me what a wonderful person I was.  I told them they just didn't have the full picture of me, so their judgement was overly generous, but I'd take the compliment while I could get it. 

In summation, I'm no longer a petty thief.  Although, I have been told, I wasn't really a criminal to begin with, as there was no intent to steal.  So, now it's even less edgy and "dangerous", and even more pitiful.  So, I guess it was just an unintentional, unaware-of-the-thrill, non-criminal, crime.  *again, le sigh*

I hope everyone else had such an action-packed weekend.  Now, back to my "normal" life...

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