He's like the greeter at Wal Mart, except all his customers are dead

It's time for another installment of "Things Heard 'Round this House".  Today all of us were letting our crazy out.

*This first conversation was on the way to drop my son off at school.  I'd been up all night with an unhappy baby (still with this perpetual ear infection), and was ragged and exhausted.)

Son Good morning dead people!

Me Mommy's not dead, honey.  She's just very very tired.

Son Not you!  I'm talking to those dead guys over there.  You know, the bones in the dirt?

Me *noticing the cemetery* Oh, yeah.  Dead people ARE over there.

Son Yeah, they were probably poisoned.

Me Wait!  What?!

So, that started our morning.  I didn't even really get into where he had come up with that idea, because I was so tired and I had a hunch that it was going to be a long, very complicated explanation.

*Later in the day, my husband was home from work, but had gone down to his office to work some more.  It was past the time for him to be off for the day, and I was hauling ass trying to cook, get the kids situated for dinner, and not fall asleep standing up.  I finally went down to his office, gave the universal sign for "cut", which also looks like "I will cut you", when you have crazy lady eyes, and then I realized he was on the phone.*

Husband, to his employee Well, my wife just came down here to my office to tell me that I better get up to dinner now, or she is going to beat me with her frying pan.

Thankfully, most of the folks he works with have a sense of humor.  If not, well this guy at least has a pretty accurate first impression of me now.  It's also fun to note that no matter what sign language I use with my husband, he always translates it to "I'm going to beat you with a frying pan."  He knows me like no one else does.... it's like he sees into my soul.

*And this last gem came from a tiny clip my husband caught from Parks and Recreation tonight, where April says "Don't listen to me, I'm drunk." and inspired a mini-rant from my soul mate.*

Husband I wish you were like that!  You're all "Listen to me!  Do exactly as I say!", and you're very persistent.  "Stop the car!  The road won't stop moving!  How can you even DRIVE like this?"  Even after I tell you that YOU are the drunk one, and I haven't even had a drink, you still demand that I have to pull over because it's just too dangerous.  Or, how about your "You know what, it's one AM, let's stop at the grocery store and pick up some carpet shampoo!"  You know how that ended?  I picked up some carpet shampoo, like an idiot, at 1:00 in the morning!  You just will NOT give up, and you come up with the most ridiculous ideas.  You really need to switch to "Don't listen to me, I'm drunk."  That would be so much easier.

Me I'm going to start doing that.  Just for you.

Husband Really?

Me Nah, don't listen to me.  I'm drunk.