Monday, August 29, 2011

Post Number 100, the Princess Post

For my 100th post, I thought I'd disclose a little more information about myself...

Here are the top 5 reasons that I really must be an actual princess:

5.  I love crabs
 Ariel, in The Little Mermaid, is like best friends with a crab.  Now, perhaps I am not really interested in befriending a crustacean, and maybe I actually want to eat them.  Let's not split hairs.  I love crabs, she loves crabs.  For me, that is close enough.  Clearly, this solidifies my princess status, but in case you are not quite convinced, keep reading.

4. I cannot stand a messy house
 I'll direct you to exhibits A, and B.
    A. Cinderella:  She was on top of that big ol' house like nobody's business.  Now, yes, she was technically forced into some kind of slavery by her hot mess of a step-mom and step-sisters, but she was even making clothes for mice and that was not in the job description.  She also hates alarm clocks, but I digress.
    B. Snow White:  She whipped that little ol' cottage into shape, after she broke in and started squatting in some strangers crib.  Now, of course, we all know about bachelor pads.  They are really uninhabitable by anyone who isn't a bachelor or swine (yes, sometimes hard to tell the difference, I know).  So, if she was going to continue free-loading in that joint she had to clean up for her own health and personal safety.

3. I love a good nap
    Especially these days, I find myself wishing for some good ol' fashioned magic so that I might take a damn nap.  Sleeping Beauty understood the value of a good nap.  She even had a smile on her face while sleeping.  Snow White, too.  And, of course, these two broads were smart enough to only awake after a kiss from a handsome prince.  I fantasize about pulling that kind of stunt.  Of course, I'd be happy with a short 2 hour nap, and to wake up to a house that wasn't destroyed while I was resting.  But that, my friends, is a real fairy tale.

2. The way to my heart is through shoes
   Cinderella is my kind of chick.  She knew what she was doing.  Any man who shows up at my door and proceeds to put couture footwear on my feet... well let's just say #winning!

1.  I prefer Princess weapons
   Rapunzel totally beats a guy over the head with a cast iron skillet.  After that one time I was pregnant and had worked a 12 hour shift and got home after midnight and my neighbor decided to fire up thee loudest snow blower ever to snow blow his grass at 4AM... well let's just say I was very disappointed to find out how light my frying pan was.  (My husband wasn't disappointed by this, and was happy that he could convince me to wait on the head knocking until I had a better tool...) So I asked for a cast iron skillet for Christmas, and now it's my weapon of choice.  Now, I know that most of you who know me know about my love of shivs.  It's true.  When in doubt, "stick 'em!"  But, you must have time for arts and crafts if you want to use a shiv.  Shivs don't make themselves, people.  There are sometimes that only a good shanking will do, but when the situation is more urgent, like say someone grabs the last pair of Manolo Blahniks off the sale rack at Bergdorf's... cast iron skillet... time is of the essence.

So, as you can see, it is indisputable that I am, indeed, an actual princess.  At this time I am lacking minions, but, eventually, my princess-ness will become known, and the minions will follow.  For now, I'll just lay low, Cinderella style, and talk to the small animals that inhabit my home & already know of my royal status.

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