Why look at flowers when you can look at Johnny Depp?

This blog post is more like a "How to" (be awesome) than some sort of journal entry.  You'll thank me, though, I'm sure of it. 

My sister was feeling a bit under the weather, and what better way to cheer a gal up than sending her flowers?  Sending her a bouquet of Johnny Depps... that's clearly a better way.  #1 They are always beautiful #2 They don't need water and #3 They don't wilt and die on you.  Although, Johnny, if you need someone to wilt on, I have some free time.  Anywho.... here is a picture of what you're aiming for... (or maybe you are more creative and want to aim for something even more fancy, but honestly no one will give a shit what you put around the Johnnys or even notice the vase, so feel free to just spice it up with whatever you have on hand at home.  You don't have to go nuts.). 

You, too, can create this divine piece of art in just 10 easy steps!

So here's what you do:

1. Browse through all the pictures of Johnny Depp that Google has to offer, and choose your favorite.  I used two dozen of my favorite Johnnys.  This step takes the longest.  You may want to block out a few days for this, as time flies when you are gazing at perfection.

2. Print out, on cardstock, your pictures of Johnny.  I used photoshop to arrange 4 pictures per page, to get the sizes you see in this arrangement.  

3. Look at Johnny some more. Admire your work.

4. Cut out all the Johnnys.  I recommend being creative here, so they are different shapes and not all a bunch of rectangles.

5. Take bamboo skewers (I used 2 different lengths), and tape one skewer to the back of each Johnny pic.  Be careful the skewer doesn't stick out the top and make Johnny look like he's been impaled.  

6. Look at the Johnnys some more... Quality control, people! 

7. Lay out groups of 3, 4, 5, etc side by side and tape them together until they are all joined, forming a kind or circle.  The tape I hid BEHIND the pictures.  

8. The largest group of pictures wrap tissue around and put into the vase first, then add in the next largest, then the next, stacking them so they are propped up on each other so you can see all the Johnnys, and they don't hiding behind each other.

9. Tuck tissue paper in the center top, and tuck some ribbons around to make it look more colorful and cheerful.

10. Stare at your beautiful bouquet of Johnny Depps.  If you are feeling very generous, and can bring yourself to part with something so wonderful, you can give it to someone who needs a few extra Johnnys sitting around.  That is pretty much everyone. 

And I stared bacon in the face...

Well, let's see how this goes. I am blogging from my phone today, as my hard drive has thrown itself off the proverbial cliff. AND my husband is bad at sharing.  Before I get into the bacon meat of this post, I'll share with you the little exchange between us over my current laptop woes.

Me C'mon.  Your laptop is sitting right there.  You aren't even using it!  It's not even ON!  Let me use it for 15 minutes to type my blog.  I already know exactly what I'm writing, I just need to type it up quickly.  

Him No.  I'm working on transferring your data from your old laptop, now.  

Me This will not get me a laptop tonight.  Stop being selfish and hand it over.

Him Why don't you write it down on a piece of paper?

Me WTF?!  Do you even KNOW what a blog IS?  

Him Well, isn't this the whole premise of your "I should write this down" motto for your blog?

Me Oh, don't worry.. I'll be writing this down!  Now, give me that laptop PLEASE.

Him I cannot.  That is my corporate laptop!!

Me What?!  No it is not!  That one over there is, but THIS one you bought from Sears.  With a freaking coupon!  

Him Well, it sounds ridiculous when you say it.

Me I'm totes buying that mac-top. *see conversations at the end of the blog

So, now you see what I'm dealing with.  Haha  Well, since Mr. Corporate has a severe case of mine-itis, let's just hammer this thing out on the iPhone...

This week I started a liquid fast, for several boring reasons. I'll spare you the list. Anyway, today is only day two, and already I've lost my brain to mouth & brain to finger filters.  (Which,  one would think, should have made the above confrontation never even happen, because my husband is aware that my filter is missing, yet he is a risk taker...)  At least I warned my friends, and asked them (if they see me out on the road) to think of my hand signal to other drivers as just a wave of happy joy.  Also, that isn't really a shiv I'm carrying with me, it's a "modified custom toothbrush".  Just look away.

Anyway, it's not so hard to do the liquid fast.  During meals is rough, but once mealtime passes I'm fine, just extra "opinionated".  I'm a bit tired, but I'm still doing my workout while the baby naps, so it's all good.  I even stared down some bacon today.  Yeah, I had to ask my husband to cook it up for the kiddos to have for their breakfast, so I didn't have to stand over it too long, but it sat there... mocking me with it's smelly temptations.... but I managed to give it the cold shoulder.  If you can stare bacon in the face & not eat it, you are probably a superhero.  So, I think I'm probably going to kick this fast's butt. 

I also had nightmares last night that I started to eat a piece of cucumber as I was chopping it up for my kid's lunch, and then couldn't stop myself.  Yeah, it was super intense as far as nightmares go.

As a mostly un-related little blog treat, I'll throw in some small conversations between my husband and I today, some of which are computer related, others that are just... well us...

On Fashion

Him Since when did you have a Michael Kors purse?

Me  Since when did you know about Michael Kors? *conversation over, I win!*

On Pop Culture
* quick background: I have been using the word "totes", much to my husband's dismay, when I'm explaining something or someone ridiculous... or how I'm about to mock something or someone ridiculous... out of love, of course.  This drives my husband nuts, and he usually yells at me to finish my words.*

Me I'm TOTES gonna do it!

Him Stop saying "totes", or I'm totes gonna murd you.

And, coming full circle, back to Laptop-Gate

Me Hey, was there a new laptop in one of those boxes?

Him No.  I ordered you a new hard drive.  I dunno when it will be here.

Me Can't I just get a new Mac-top?

Him Mac-top?!

Me Yeah, that's a thing... right?

Him *walks away, either in disgust or disbelief in my total awesomeness.  I'm not sure cause his face is usually the same for both.*
        **  He also said, several minutes later, no more liquid fasts... for some reason.

We survived the first day of school! AKA Where I'm going when I die.

Today was the first day of kindergarten for my oldest son.  I was so nervous for him, as it's his first full day program.  Of course, he did fine.  He was STARVING when he got home... did you know they don't give snacks in kindergarten anymore?  At least not here?  Poor kids!  They also moved school back an hour this year, so they get home super late.  Not a great time for a snack when it's an hour away from dinner.  School budget cuts.  Yippie.  Anywho....

I figured out which ring in Hell I will be sent to when I die... the "My grandfather gets his first skype call WHILE he has me on speakerphone" ring.  Yes, you read that right.  My grandfather, who is hard of hearing, puts people on speakerphone when they call.  So everyone is always shouting back and forth to hear each other.  I called him to wish him happy birthday, and got the speakerphone.  Suddenly, there is this loud, electronic noise in my ear.

GF Oh wait, Honey, my computer says I'm getting a call from your cousin!  What is this?!

Me Do you have skype?  Is it a skype call?

GF Oh yes!  Skype!  *to the skype caller*  HELLO!?  HELLO!?  

*Then I hear them singing happy birthday to him*

GF Oh hello!  Thank you!  Hello?  Hello?  HELLO!?  CAN YOU HEAR ME?!  I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HEAR ME!  Honey, I don't think they can hear me.  What's going on?

Me Um, do you have a microphone? 

GF *now yelling at "The Skype"* Um, DO I HAVE A MICROPHONE?!  WHERE IS MY MICROPHONE?!  WHAT DO I DO?!  HOW DO I FIND A MICROPHONE?!  CAN YOU HEAR ME?!  LOOK DOWN THERE.  IS THAT A MICROPHONE?!  IS IT PLUGGED IN?!  I THINK IT'S UNPLUGGED!  WAIT, WHAT IS THAT PLUG?!  CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

Me Sometimes when my husband skypes with me we just call on the phone for sound because my mic doesn't work sometimes.  You can try that, and I can talk to you later.

GF Oh no, honey, that's okay.  *back to skype*  HELLO?!  HELLO?!  I DON'T THINK YOU CAN HEAR ME!

SKYPE CALLER We can't hear you!  Is your mic on?

*Oh for the love of all that is pink and sparkly, SHOOT ME.*

This went on for over 15 mins before my Grandmother picked up another phone, whispered they'd call me back and I thanked her and quickly hung up.  I didn't know they were inventing new rings in Hell, but I guess, for me, they made an exception.

In closing, I shall end with a silly "First day of kindergarten" tid bit... My son was only too happy to report today that some poor kiddo peed on the floor at school today.  He assured me that the boy did not mean to do it on purpose and "The teacher called for the equipment to come clean it up.  The equipment just appeared magically.  I don't know where they were hiding, but suddenly they were there.  The equipment didn't do such a good job though."  So, I'm trying to figure out if this "equipment" is a person.  I asked him if he meant "janitor" but he just repeated "equipment."  I cannot wait to hear what other exciting things he'll learn about in school this year.  haha  I have a feeling I'll be hearing all the juicy kindergarten goss. 

Thanku Target!

Target sent out what they are calling "Haiku-pons" this week.  They always send out these little coupon books, where there are three coupons per page.  They are perforated for easy removal.  Each page, printed on the back of the coupons, was a haiku in this weeks booklet.  One line of each haiku per coupon.  This inspired me to separate the coupons enough to mix and match haikus.  Was this Target's intent?  I am not sure, but if it was A+ Target, A+!  Without further ado, I present to you... my mostly stupendously inappropriate haikus.  Just remember, Target made me do it.  You're welcome, and I'm sorry. 

If you didn't like 'em, blame Target.  If you found yourself laughing along... I know, right?!  haha

Where do you put the batteries?

When I took my oldest son to the eye doctor today, I instantly thought back to my visits as a young'n to see my eye doc.  I remembered sitting in the waiting room with my sister, thumbing through the old, wrinkly magazines.  And there was that time we sat there trading insults back and forth, in the form of names like "dork" or "dweeb".  It was rapid fire, until she suddenly stopped.  Several minutes later, I saw the light bulb come on over her little blonde head, and she slowly turned to me with a proud smirk on her face and said "Goooooooooooooooooooooooberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."  Needless to say, that comes up... a lot.... in conversations with us today.  Anywho, that is the way things were. 

Today, it was "pediatric" day at the office.  The waiting room had several small children in it, mostly little boys, and I quickly noticed every single one of them was playing  a game on a phone, iPod, iPad, or Kindle.  All, except my littlest one, who was soooooo thrilled to play with the beads on wires.  Then, the kids started swapping their electronic devices to play the games they didn't have on their own.  Just as I was thinking how funny this looked, and how these kids seriously have it made in the shade when it comes to having to wait in a waiting room (and how I wanted to take a picture, but the little boy in the orange shirt now had my phone), my son suddenly looked up from the iPad he had acquired and said

Son Hey, I know how to play a game that doesn't use a phone.  It's called "Jet Pack!".

Kid in Blue What, is it like on a DS?

Son Um, no.  It's just "Jet Pack"!

Kid in Orange Is it on the Wii?!

Son No, but WE can play it.  It's just "Jet Pack."  I'll show you.

Kid in Blue Where, on, like, your Nintendo?

Son You just pretend to wear a Jet Pack, and then you pretend to fly around to wherever you want to go.  You can go to space!

Kid in Orange Oh, I have "Angry Birds, Space edition."

Son No. *sigh*

 

And now my family can't show their faces in town...

Here is your warning... this post WILL piss you off if you are against improving our gun control laws and are totally cool beans with everyone being allowed to walk around with assault rifles.  I am passionately in favor of improving our laws so that we are more aware of who is buying guns, if they are stocking up enough for a small army so that could be monitored, and to prevent unstable folks from so easily getting their hands on ridiculous assault weapons that can kill large amounts of people at once.  I am not talking about hunters, I am talking about crazy town banana pants folks who can buy up all the guns and ammo they want, without it raising a red flag.  By the way, I still have to give my license to the pharmacist and have my killer sudafed purchase tracked, I have to hand over my license for silly string purchases, Target tracks me so well they know I'm pregnant before I do, and my credit card company calls if they notice I have shopped at a store that is out of my typical pattern.  Perhaps instead of "I noticed you just bought $50 worth of junk at Five Below." calls, they should be making "Hey, totally noticed you bought enough guns and ammo to wipe out North Dakota." calls.

So, again, if you disagree with any of that, just turn and leave now... I promise you it's going to get much worse.  I mean, be aware that as much as my opinion will offend you (and it will) I don't very much like your opinion either on the matter, so I guess that makes us even.  So, if you choose to read this beyond this point, it's your fault if you're angry or offended.  I have given 2 paragraphs of warning.... that is more than what comes with a gun purchase.

Onto the story... some thoughtless and insensitive individual showed up to the Batman screening in my hometown's movie theater with an unconcealed gun.  It raised a huge stink for 2 reasons.  1.  How could he be so dense after what just happened at another theater during the same movie?  The wounds are still fresh, everyone is still skittish, and he's gotta be some smartass making a point, and scaring people for no reason.  2.  The other half of everyone is so proud of this "brave citizen" for taking a weapon into a dark theater full of innocent folks who want to relax and watch a movie.  Way to exercise your "constitutional right".  This is EXACTLY what the founding fathers had in mind, and they would so totally not shit their white powdered wigs (another poor choice back in the 'founding fathers' era), if they saw the semi-automatic weapons in the hands of civilians these days.  They'd be like "Totally what we had in mind.  You should probably have an entire pile of them in your home, just in case one person may try to break into your house.  You may need several assault weapons and thousands of rounds of ammunition to protect yourself from the Hamburgler.  You just never know.  Maybe you will be like Batman and save the day!  Oh, what?  Batman doesn't shoot people?  Oh, scratch that, then."

Anywho, there was an article in the news about how the situation was handled.  (Basically, police were taken off the street where they could be WORKING to protect the city, and instead had to sit and babysit this guy "proving his point".  Wow, the town is soooo much safer with that dude and his gun around for protection.  Go ahead, rob the liquor store, drink and drive, or attack someone now, because the police are watching "Batman" and this joker.)  A friend of mine posted the article on her facebook, and I commented on her post.  Only, it was quickly pointed out to me, by my sister, that it was not HER personal post... it was the actual news... so my response went out to anyone in town following the story.  Perhaps I should have been embarrassed, but I was laughing too hard at the best and worst mistake I ever made, and my husband and I were too busy, doubled over with tears streaming down our cheeks.  Also, I didn't think I was wrong, I think I'm very right, so I was not ashamed about my message.  Plus, it was really well written for a facebook comment (thumbs up to me!), so I had to share that shit with the world.  I did remove it from the town's view, so my Mom and sister only would have to spend a few weeks dressing in disguise until the next person does something equally or more potentially mortifying than I to take the focus off of our family.  But, by popular request, I will repost my comment here.  (Thank you to my sister for copying and saving it for me before it got removed.)  PS, I really, seriously do try to refrain from talking about penises and butt cheeks (both right AND left) in the general public, and especially around gun-toting vigilantes.  Remember, God WANTED George Zimmerman to shoot up that kid.  God does NOT appreciate skittles and iced tea, so I can only imagine what he thinks of my potty mouth.  Oy vey.

Again, if you're gonna be offended by this, why are you still reading?  You have the choice, so make a good one.

Yes, we hear about people saving people with their guns everyday! Oh wait, that almost never happens. What I do hear about is people accidentally shooting themselves or family members, little kids playing with and seriously injuring or killing themselves or others, people off their rocker getting them and mass murdering innocent folks. If everyone in that DARK theater started shooting in the chaos, more people would have died. Stop defending inanimate objects whose sole purpose is to kill, and kill a lot of people. Start protecting people who would like to leave their house without being hurt. Why do you have to show off a gun anyway? Is it a "Nice gun, sorry about your penis." thing? I do NOT get it. Quit fantasizing that you'll save the day with your murder weapon. Chances are overwhelmingly that you will not & are much more in favor of them hurting an innocent human being. I tell myself Johnny Depp would so make out with me if we met, but I don't go around with a "kiss me Johnny!" t-shirt on. Not even when I'm stalking him outside of his house. That would be delusional.And, "constitutional right" my left butt cheek. That was from the time of muskets. Carry a musket & we have no problem cause I can walk away faster than you can load. The founding fathers never envisioned semiautomatic assault rifles. Plus, you're supposed to be a well organized militia to justify having them. Everyone leaves out that part. My.left.butt.cheek.

So, that is what I sent out to the whole town... with my full name and photo attached.  Sorry to my mother and sister who have to be related to me.  This is why I am not allowed to do public speaking.

And this is why we're now selling burgers...

Alright, so I made it through the last week of building the new playroom in our basement, and then the following week preparing for and hosting an oversized birthday party for our 5 year old.  He chose the theme "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs", the movie version, so I had to make the invitations, decorations, and make up games that went along with the theme myself since the movie was out several years ago, so there is nothing pre-made to buy.  It took me many hours, but the party was great.  All the kids had a blast, especially my son.  I will have to put up some pictures of how we pulled this thing off, maybe a little later in the week. 

However, doing all these things back to back ("these things" which include painting for 26 hours, 13 straight on Saturday and 13 straight on Sunday, for example) can lead to some serious exhaustion.  I figured I'd crash and burn on Sunday and be back to kicking ass Monday morning.... however, Sunday I cleaned up from the party, briefly put my feet up, and then crashed and burned on Monday... literally.  I literally drove my car through my garage, into my house.  Oh yes, I am THAT moron who could be so stupid (or so very exhausted that her brains don't work well enough to remind her which pedal is the gas pedal vs the brake pedal).  I haven't talked about it with anyone but who needed to know until this point, mostly because I'm deeply ashamed and embarrassed, but this blog has always been my therapy.  A place where I can write for myself, and be honest about whatever crap happens to me.  Unfortunately, this time, I caused it myself. 

Yesterday I mostly cried.  Today I mostly cried, but I did find a smile or two, and even a laugh.  Last night my husband did get me to laugh, too, when he explained to our friends who could fix our car "She pulled in to the garage.  Really in."  Then the jokes about not being able to wait to get into the house to be down in the new playroom started... and so on.  Now we just explain that I turned our house into a drive through... hence the selling burgers. 

So what happened?  Well I was, indeed, exhausted.  I had even called someone earlier in the day and complained about it to them.  So, it's on record.  haha  But that mixed with waiting in a tiny, dirty waiting room with my kids for over an hour, as they slowly started to lose their mind, my one kid's lip splitting open and bleeding all over that waiting room, and my toddler rolling around on the vet's office's dirty floor, finding out our cat has 2 subluxed (halfway dislocated) wrists which will cost hundreds of dollars to fix, then topping it off with our kids squeaking squeaker toys behind my head all the way home, I was stressed beyond stress (to the point where my eye... like the sclera, the white part, started to bleed, and yes stress causes that), and all of that mixed with being nearly too tired to keep my eyes open, I rolled into the garage, and when I was in far enough, hit the brake... only it wasn't the brake.  I instantly realized my mistake and hit the REAL brake before I hit the wall, but it was too late after stomping on the gas.  So, into the trashcans I went, and into my hallway in the house one of them went.  Total mortification, very frightening and upsetting, and so sad that I broke my damn house and messed up my brand new car.  I keep thinking I'll wake up from this dream and realize it was just that I was sleeping, and that's why I was so tired and that's why terrible things were happening, it was just a nightmare.

But, luckily for us, we have good friends and family who immediately came to the rescue, and we got estimates (the car only had one small , like 2 inch, dent and several scratches that almost all buffed out), and while I did knock out some studs, they are not broken.  So they just need pushed back and the drywall fixed. 

So, if you're one of the unfortunate ones who have to know me in my real life, if I don't seem myself, or I have creepy blood-tinged vampire eyes, now you know what is going on.  I am not myself because I'm sad.  There is just not too many other ways to put that.  I am sad.  I am sad and embarrassed.  I still have no idea  how I made this mistake.  Maybe some Xanax or hard liquor would help solve that mystery... or at least make me not care about that mystery for a little while.   And, no... I had not been drinking nor had I even taken allergy medication, let alone anything else.  It was just pure, ridiculous me, being the calamity that I am.  Rest assured that you are all safe while I'm out driving on the road, unless you look like a garage.. in that case, pull over and just let me pass!  Oh, and would you like fries with that?