Thursday, April 12, 2012

They can use your two ties as restraints while they wait for assistance.

Today my husband came home wearing two ties around his neck.  Now, of course one was just draped around it (really I'm not sure why I just said "of course" because it still makes no sense), but still there were two ties.  I made the mistake of asking him why and expecting a straight answer.  Instead I got:

Husband Because then people think I'm really important, and do whatever I want with a "Right away, sir!"

Me Well, that's just because they are trying to keep you calm while they wait for the men in the white coats to arrive to take you away.  Two ties sends more of an "I'm an unstable looney" vibe than an "I'm an important leader for our team, and you should listen to my advice" vibe.

Husband You are wrong.

Me Almost never, and certainly not now.  

And that's when he walks away, presumably to go change out of his excessive neck-wear and leaves me with no real explanation for his odd fashion choice.

This is the same guy, though, who likes to use living in the suburbs as a reason for his deteriorating sense of fashion.  Anytime I try to sneak in something new and interesting, it immediately gets labeled as "hipster".  Like "I even put on those hipster jeans you got me." or "I'm not wearing this hipster shirt you got me because I like it,  I'm wearing it ironically."  At first, I thought he really thought I was trying to dress him like a hipster... then I realized he was confused and thought "hipster" meant "has the proper fit, and you cannot buy it in bulk."  I guess I can't expect him to get an outfit right, if he can't even commit to learning the proper fashion jargon. 

Like most desperate housewives, I have to come up with creative ways to get what I need out of life... most especially when it comes to how my husband dresses.  It occurred to me one day, while doing laundry, that I could just throw stuff out. 

That shirt where the black from the stripes was bleeding into the yellow of the rest of the shirt?  I have NO idea what happened to that.  Maybe it got left behind on vacation, or maybe the TSA guys searched your bag and saw that little high fashion gem and stole it!

Oh, you're looking for your socks with all the holes in them?  I know you said your "favorite socks", but the truth is they have been trying to tear themselves off of your feet now for about 3 months, and I think they finally flew away to sock Heaven.

I haven't seen the boxers hanging on to the elastic waistband by approximately one inch of fabric on your left hip for a long time now.  Where did you last see them?

You even HAD a khaki corduroy suit?  I can't even imagine what that would look like.  (Not that I physically couldn't... I just couldn't for my own sanity and nightmare prevention.)

After awhile, my husband realized that turning his laundry over to me meant it would be participating in a game of "survival of the fittest".  If it was disintegrating, still displaying what he had last week for lunch, or it was apparently purchased from Bad, Bad and Beyond Ugly.... it will probably go missing.  He knows not to ask where they go anymore... he just accepts that they have gone to a better place.  (And probably replaced by something "hipster" that will fit him, and look like he didn't get dressed in the dark.)

And tonight, we have a bonus kid-ism, courtesy of my 4 year old....

Me You need to go to your room.

Son Fine!  I will go to my STUPID room! (pause & switch to reasonable, polite voice)  Well, I actually really like my room, and it's really nice and not stupid.  BUT I'm really mad, so I'm going to call it stupid!

Me Well I'm really mad, too, so I guess we're pretty even.

Son Yes, I guess we ARE pretty even!  


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