Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Cloudy with a chance of... lies... it's all lies! (Brought to you by your local supermarket.)

I am pretty sure the weathermen (weatherpeople?) are sleeping with the supermarkets.  Stick with me... So for days I've been hearing talk about all this snow we were to get this week, yet each time I checked the weather on my iPhone, xnay on the nowsay.  Sure enough, however, we get a "winter weather advisory" as of yesterday, telling us that in the part of the state we are in, we will get 2-4 inches of snow.  It will be very heavy snow, and it could bring down power lines and tree branches!  The snow will start by 7pm, and be heaviest at midnight.  It will be super hard to see while driving, and is sure to cause disasters.  Run out now and grab your bread, milk, and TP or you'll probably starve and run out of butt napkins.  Then, when you die and the emergency crews are finally called to your house (long after the cats have eaten half your face and that dead body smell is strong enough that it's never coming out of the upholstery), they will notice that you didn't follow the weather report and make haste to the nearest supermarket to duke it out over the last roll of Charmin. 

Then tonight, like 5 minutes ago, I get the email saying "Oh shit, sorry about that.  Just kidding."  Winter weather advisory cancelled.  Then it dawns on me... there must be a reason the national weather report didn't mention the snow once, but the local news was all over it.  I do believe we are in the midst of some disaster capitalism!  (If you do not know, understand, and have the ability to sniff out disaster capitalism, do yourself a favor and read "The Shock Doctrine" by Naomi Klein.  You'll feel like a total idiot, like you were sleeping through the easiest class in school, and failing miserably.)  Anywho... there is only one conclusion... the local tv weatherpersons must be in some illicit affair with local grocery stores around here.  The grocery-persons were probably all "Well... I don't know if I can meet up with you tonight.  I'm really upset because we have so much bread, milk, and toilet paper, and I do not know what we could possibly do about it.  It's such a problem."  And weather-persons were all "Hey baby, I can take care of your problem.... can we say 'Winter Weather Advisory'?  Then I'll cancel it right around the time everyone is going to bed, and has already been out to get their emergency bunker supplies."

This is the only explanation for what happened today.  The numerous emails I got, assuring me we were getting enough evil snow to cause disaster, just to find out we were punked at the last minute?  They aren't even trying to hide their sordid affair. 

Now, I will add in one small disclaimer here at the bottom of the post:  I'm pretty freakin sick.  I have no Nyquil or anything else awesome to fight off my symptoms overnight, and to help me sleep.  So, I have decided that a little rum would probably be in my best interest. But, that does not mean I'm not right about this!  It does seem awfully fishy....

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