You don't hear the pilgrims complaining....

News flash: There is no "war on Christmas". If you have been in any retail setting since Sept 1st, you'd see it's more like "Christmas on steroids." You can't turn your cart around in any aisle without being attacked by a gigantic, inflatable Christmas representative.  That is actually the complete opposite of a war on Christmas, it's like being bombed by Christmas itself... or in the very least being flash mobbed by a very puffy Christmas army.  There are networks on TV with "25 days of Christmas", all Christmas play lists on the radio starting on or before (in some cases) Thanksgiving, Christmas specials and movies starting on Thanksgiving, heck I even got a Christmas card from a local business days ago!  Christmas isn't being chased off by anyone, it's getting bigger, stronger, louder, and brighter each and every year.  So where is this war on Christmas?  Even if you could find a few folks who actually get upset by Christmas, how could you even remotely believe or worry that Christmas is in any danger of being wiped out, forgotten, or forbidden? 

If there are any holiday casualties of war, I'd first go with Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving has been massacred by the ever expanding Christmas empire.  Christmas has taken over... heck, black Friday has encroached on Thanksgiving evening.  Even Halloween has been put on notice.  My husband has photographic evidence of this.  Early in October, he went to Lowes for some home improvement supplies, and there, in the seasonal section, was an enormous, light up, inflatable Frankenstein lawn decoration next to an enormous, light up, inflatable Santa.  If I were Halloween, I'd be worried.  Pretty soon you'll be able to start your black Friday shopping as soon as the kids are tucked into bed after they finish trick or treating, and soon after that people will stop decorating for Halloween altogether, and will opt for their Christmas trees and icicle lights instead of tombstones and fake spider webs.   

Now, before you start your hate mail, and start calling me a Scrooge... I love Christmas!  I really do.  I go all out.  I have a wrapping paper theme each year with 2 different, yet coordinated papers to wrap with.  I make about a million cookies.  I relentlessly play Christmas music, and I throw one hell of a Christmas Eve party where Santa himself shows up and gives gifts to the children.  I am also hosting Christmas day at my house this year.  I'm just not too blind to see that this war on Christmas crap is just that... crap.  It's not real.  It's just something people made up to make people feel angry and oppressed.  They often site "Happy Holidays" as proof of the war on Christmas... (see my previous post Happy Holidays! Because there is more than one, you know! ) People who celebrate Christmas are told they should be angry and upset over the injustice of being told "Happy Holidays!".  It's keeping Christmas down!  By not saying Merry Christmas, people are being hateful to them.  So, let's all step back for a minute and examine this... by saying a phrase that clearly includes Christmas (Happy HolidayS), you are being oppressed and excluded.... so you prefer everyone being obligated to say Merry Christmas, which excludes every other holiday, religion, and culture except for Christmas and those who celebrate Christmas... seriously?  I mean, c'mon... oppression and exclusion is only not okay when you feel it's against you?  (And remember, we've determined that you're not actually excluded in Happy Holidays, that is all about inclusion.  So if you feel like you or Christmas is being denied, you need to stop because that is absolutely false.)

So the next time you get one of those emails or feel the urge to repost one of those "war on Christmas" status updates, please step outside of your house, away from the computer, and look in the direction of a shopping center.  If you are too far away to see the Statue of Liberty-sized Rudolph on the rooftop of the mall, you should at least be able to spot the blinding glow of the twinkly lights that have been up since before you had to pack your white shoes away for the season.  Just follow the scent of candy canes and pine, and you will find Christmas, alive and well, and bigger than ever.  Nothing can compete with it, and let's be honest, nothing tries to.  So, pull the candy cane stick out of your butt, and let people enjoy their HolidaySSSSSS.  All of them, and whatever that may be, so that you may worry less about being angry about something that doesn't exist, and instead you can fill that once-angry space with fun, happiness, memories of your family around Christmas, and maybe a little too much of Aunt Edna's fruit cake.  

Hell hath no fury like a woman with spell check

There is this Facebook craze right now with saying something we are thankful for every day until Thanksgiving.  I didn't participate so far this year (mostly because my answer is almost always "indoor plumbing").  However, today I owe a debt of gratitude to something special...

Thank you, spell check, for letting me know douche bag was two words, and not one.  I'd hate for that salty email to have gone out with any type of grammatical errors in it.  I'd hate for any spelling errors to take away from an accurate portrayal of my seething anger.

Cats, if only there was some way to lift them...

The family has been keeping me rather busy lately, and with that comes a giggle or two.  Since you're so nice, I'll share some with you...

Oh, my sister...  Well, see for yourself...

Sis: uh it's so cold in here but the cat is laying on my lap. i wanna turn up the heat so bad!

Me (and anyone who knows the approximate size of a cat): Wow, it's a total bummer that a cat isn't something you can just pick up and move. You're totally screwed.

Sis: I know, right!  Will you come turn up the heat?


Me: You'll probably just have to freeze, and then he'll start eating your face.
        I can't come do that, I have a blanket on me.   

Sis: Crap, we're both screwed.


My husband and I talking about never really knowing what others may actually think about you...

Me: They probably think I act like such a princess.


Husband: Well, honey, you do, but the good kind that helps other people and gets dressed by little cartoon birds.


Me: Like Kate Middleton!

Husband: Sure, you're exactly like her.  *wearing his lying face*


And the baby takes advantage of me trying to carefully step over a gate while holding him...

Baby: *sees I am looking at the gate and not him, so helps himself to the Starbucks in my hand, sipping some Pumpkin Spice Latte out of the lid*

Me: *catches him* HEY!

Baby: YUM!!

That might have something to do with him throwing his food at me, instead of going with his usual "all done", and then later climbing into the fireplace.  Although, he has always loved that fireplace, and often tries to climb into it.  Perhaps he was Santa in another life. 

Happy Holidays! Because there is more than one, you know...

It has already started... the annual "everybody fill yourselves with rage because there is an all out war on Christmas!" chatter and email and all around ridiculous anger over nothing.  The first and most common thing to be attacked is the use of the phrase "Happy Holidays".  I find this to be particularly crazy because there are SEVERAL holidays all in a row, all of which a Christian would celebrate... so not even counting the perfectly fantastic holidays associated with other well established (and even OLDER) religions, there are at least 3 in a row.  I, like many other holiday-loving joyful (that's right, I'm joyful...) folks out there, want to share their elation and happiness over the impending events associated with all of the winter holidays we may celebrate.  We wish everyone a "Happy Holidays!" to cover all bases, and to wish you happiness and health throughout the winter holiday season, not just one day as a "Merry Christmas!" would simply wish...  no... please enjoy every last minute of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and have a rockin' New Year while you're at it.  Hey, if you happen to celebrate a winter holiday other than Christmas, I'd love nothing more than for you to enjoy the hell out of that day.  I mean, it's nicer than saying "Be Happy, Dammit!", and not as limiting as "Merry Christmas!".  What the heck is wrong with that?

See, people want to act like we are excluding Christmas... when I really think what they mean to say is "How dare you acknowledge there may be a holiday other than Christmas that someone may be preparing to celebrate?!"  The rather funny part about all this is, I never hear any Jews complain about being wished a Merry Christmas, which completely means nothing to them, and in turn completely ignores their holiday... but the Christmas lovers, they get super pissed when you say something that respectfully includes their holiday and wishes them nothing but happiness for that day, and the other holidays they'll be celebrating around that time as well.  So... WHO is waging war on what?

We have a Christian, Jewish, Atheist mix going on in our family, and so maybe this makes me more aware of the fact that other traditions and holidays exist.  I'd never assume a stranger celebrated one or the other, but I may want to show them kindness, and a genuine wish for my fellow human being to enjoy whatever it is they do celebrate.  They act like the stores FORBID Christmas, hide it (hiding it where... behind the enormous inflatable Santas that are on display before Halloween even comes around?!), prevent their employees from saying it, and what's this about hanging Christmas trees upside down?  What does that even MEAN?!  Is that the new anti-Christmas thing to do?  Would it just totally be denying Jesus or at least make him super mad to see an upside down tree?  If someone knows more on this, please enlighten me. 

In conclusion... if someone wishes you Happy Holidays, just be happy that they have something nice to say to you.  If you're gonna bitch that they weren't specific enough and narrowed it down to one holiday only, then "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  They were being nice, you're rejection of the sentiment is not nice and really is quite rude.  I have decided, this year, when someone bitches to me about saying Happy Holidays I will, indeed, take it back.  I will, instead, wish them a very "Merry Christmas!  But I hope your New Year blows."  (You know, since that one doesn't count anyway...) 

Wear your bike helmet, or you could end up behind the library...

My husband had off today, thank you veterans!, and we thought it would be fun to take the boys to the library!  Guess what, the library is closed, of course.  Still, they have an after hours drop off, so we pulled around back, and dropped our books in the slot.  My husband had to respond to a work email (I know, I said he was off... it is what it is), so he parked after we dropped the books off.  As he was responding to the email, my 4 year old was observing the graveyard behind the library.  Of course, he had all sorts of questions.  First off "Mommy, what are those rocks?"  So I explained to him that they marked where people who had died were.  I explained how when people die, some have chosen to be buried in the ground in a box.  So he wanted to know how they died.  So, I ran down the good ol' disease, injury, natural causes... so then it was back to what the "rocks" were, and how the dead people go there, "so you die and they just carry you here and put you in the dirt?"  Sure, that's how it happens.  Close enough.

Him Mommy, why is there a big rock there with little rocks around it?

Me Well, that is a family plot.  The big rock has the family name on it, and the little ones say who is there from that family.  Sometimes families buy spaces in the dirt for the whole family.

Husband *is now looking at me, smirking.... he knows I just dug my hole deeper... no pun intended*

Him So people buy these?  That's weird.  Why do families die?

Me Well, it's not like they just die all at once.  The save spaces for each other.  *how is this getting worse, harder to explain, and sounding more like people headed to the movies than the great beyond?*

Him So you get sick, or hurt, or old, then they throw you in the dirt behind the library?

Me More or less, so who wants a happy meal!?

Him Yes!  Me!  I do!  *instantly forgets about the dead people behind the library*

We managed to make it all the way home without any further talk of dead people.  Of course, my kids didn't take long before ignoring me when I'd tell them to be careful, they were going to get hurt, etc... so I asked why they thought it was soooooooooo funny when I told them "No!" and that they'd hurt themselves?  And my oldest told me it was because that was funny, and me saying no is hilarious.  My mother-of-the year response?

"Well, you won't think it's hilarious when you don't listen to me and you get hurt and they have to throw you in the dirt behind the library."

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

I don't need my candy to make fun of me, that's what my family is for.

Ugh, my kid's Halloween candy stash is like 99% Butterfingers.  Butterfinger really pimped itself out this year with coupons, so I guess all the extreme couponers out there went and grabbed those suckers by the skid full.  (I chose to go with the Hershey, Mars, and Wonka coupons myself.  Coupons!  Woot!)  I prefer to hand out the less insulting candy.  I have never been laughed at and called a Snickers, or Milky Way, or Kit Kat... well maybe a Nerd, but that's so chic and cool right now that it's a total non-issue.  Nerd is the new jock, BTW.  (Ew, I wouldn't eat anything called a jock, FYI, so don't get any ideas.)  I have, however, been called "Butterfingers", and I don't need my dessert to remind me of that, or point out any flaws in my motor skills.  On top of being a name-caller, Butterfingers are also pretty gross.  They are not my thing.  If they are your thing, fine, I'm sure there is something I like that you find gross... asparagus, anyone?! 

It's a mixed blessing, I suppose, that my kid's little plastic pumpkin is full of these mean, gross candies I won't eat.  At least they will never make it to my hips... But it is a little sad that I can't really join in the tradition of parents stealing their kids Halloween candy while they are fast asleep, dreaming about how wonderful their parents are and how they would never do something like steal from their own kids.... 

Knock knock jokes with a hint of penis....

Caution:  Could be considered vulgar, but important to the story, and over-all funny so had to keep the original joke intact.

My son loves jokes.  If he hears people laughing, he will crack up, too.  He so wants to be in on the joke.  He used to just blurt out things like "French fries!  Get it?!  A joke!" like some little mad-libs Tourette's patient who shouts out random nouns.  We thought it would be fun to teach him some knock knock jokes.  Some easy to learn, easy to repeat, good ol' fashioned knock knock jokes.  We started with the "Boo... Boo who?" joke, and moved onto "Olive... Olive who?... Olive YOU!"  He got so good at those, we decided it was time to add to his repertoire. 

We added "Dwayne... Dwayne who?... Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.", and "Yodle-ay-hee... Yodle-ay-hee who?", and the good old Banana one that goes on forever until you say orange.  All great.  All perfect.  He was becoming a regular comedian.  I told him he should tell some to his friends at school.  I gave him one more... "Knock knock?"  "Who's there?"  "Cock-a-doodle." "Cock-a-doodle who?"  hee hee "Cock-a-doodle whooooooo!"  He roared with laughter, and then did the joke back to me.  Everything was fun, innocent, happy times.  Until about 5 minutes later.

My husband sat down at the table with us for lunch, and my son comes out with this little exchange

Him Knock knock.

Me Who's there?

Him Cock.

Me *not sure where to go from here...* Cock who?

Him Just cock.

At this point, my husband nearly falls out of his chair, and slithers away with his lunch to his office in our basement.  He won't make eye contact with either of us.  He just leaves me there.  At least he didn't follow it up with a "That's what she said" or something else that would've really made me fall apart.  But I held back the urge to laugh at this major faux pas.  Part of the reason I stayed so together was the fear creeping in.  The fear that my kid was going to take my advice to share his jokes with his class, and go straight for the cock joke.  

I thought for a second, then repeated the joke and said "Was that what you were trying to say?  You missed the best part, the 'a-doodle-who!'"  He went right back to his blurting out random things and yelling "Get it?!  A joke!", and seemed to forget about the new, lewd, knock knock joke.  I'm sure it'll all come back to him during school when they ask for the news of the day.  He'll come out with "Mommy told me a joke...."   Ugh, I'm already dying of mortification.