Saturday, March 10, 2012

The differences between the Tooth Fairy and the Dirty Towel Fairy

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assume my husband isn't the only grown man to believe in the Wet Towel Fairy... or the Dirty Clothes Fairy or Dirty Dishes Fairy or Dirty Baby Diaper Fairy.  I know he must believe in them.  Why else would I find socks all over the house, wet towels on the floor, or dirty diapers sitting on the changing table long after the baby's been changed?  I thought it would be helpful for all the guys out there who believe in these, obviously stunningly beautiful, fairies to explain to them how these angelic beings work. 

The first thing you must understand is, these are not your child's Tooth Fairy who just flies in once in a while when a tooth should fall out and be placed, neatly, under the pillow... where it belongs.  These are hardworking, domestic goddesses, who (quite frankly), have better and more important things to do than go around collecting the items you leave in unpredictable places around the house.  The Tooth Fairy may leave a quarter behind, in exchange for the pearly white she swipes from under a sleeping child's pillow because she has some strange, and super creepy, castle made of children's teeth to maintain.  Really, you're helping her out, so she gives you a little something for the trouble of having a spot in your mouth that, temporarily, cannot do it's job of chewing your food.  It's like Tooth Unemployment Compensation.  A little something to hold you over until the new tooth grows in.  This is NOT how the Wet Towel Fairy, or any of the other "Picking your discarded shit up" fairies work.  If you want these unbelievably gorgeous and super intelligent fairies to follow you around, picking up after your adult self, you'll have to adhere to a reverse payment policy.  Since she is just relocating your junk to somewhere else it belongs in your own house, you are the one who should be leaving behind some crisp bills.... a $20 bill might be sufficient, but the price goes up as the places you hide your items get more incredulous, and the longer the dirty items sit in hard to find places collecting new levels of stink.  If you wish to keep your ethereal fairy happy and wish for your items to still be collected and turned in to their proper locations, you should remember to tip your fairy with jewelry, vacations, spa vouchers, and nice dinners with appropriately matched wines as often as possible.  (Please don't leave booze for the Tooth Fairy... it's well understood in the fairy world that she is a mean drunk... no one wants a mean drunk armed with extra teeth around their house.)

Of course, it might be easier to pick up after yourself, but the next time you toss your dirty socks on the ground, leave some cash.  Drop a towel?  Drop a Jackson with it.  If you don't have the money to do this, talk to the Tooth Fairy.  She might be able to work out a deal so that you can keep your far more beautiful, and non-drunk cleaning fairy.  You're very welcome for all of this advice.  I always love to help.


  1. hahahaha
    laughing @ mean drunk with extra teeth

    -yo mama