Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Not so magic Conan

There is so much chatter about "Magic Mike"!  I agree, ladies, let's get that in 3-D, please!  I mean, I think there is supposed to be some good looking lead actor, but I'm in it for Alcide!  (Who's with me, True Bloodettes?)  Anywho, I was telling my husband how everyone is begging for 3-D IMAX versions, and how a friend of mine asked for some background on the actual story and I was all "WHO CARES?!"  They could just plant grass and watch it grow for 2 hours, as long as they were mostly nekkid... or they could sit there and read the dictionary... there are so many possibilities... pointless, yet beautiful possibilities.  So, my husband got that look on his face like he just discovered sliced bread, and exclaimed "That's it!  It's brilliant!  This movie is for women who are too embarrassed to go to a strip club, but really want to go to a strip club!"   So I quickly pointed out: "Look, I'm not too embarrassed to go to a strip club, I mean who cares about that?  But, I do NOT want a repeat Late Night Strip Tease with Conan O'Brien.  Sure, I'd like to look at a man who knows how to shake it on stage, but I do not want him sticking his mushy "ew parts" in my face, or touching me... or sweating on me.  No thank you.  Nothing about that is sexy to me.  And now you know... you should probably be taking notes."  Then he realized "Ooooooooooooh, so it's for women who'd like to go to the club, but do not want to be touched or otherwise grossed out from too-close contact."  Me "Exactly.  I mean, I love to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and stare at Van Gogh's work, but I don't want someone to chase me down and start humping my butt with it."  Husband "Clearly.  You have to draw the line somewhere."

Wait, back up... how does Conan O'Brien fit into this explanation of acceptable vs. unacceptable nearly naked dancingWell, the very first time I saw a male stripper was completely unexpected, pretty much by accident, and it was TOTALLY Conan O'Brien.  Except that it wasn't him.  The man just looked exactly like Conan, only with a spray tan, and a leopard thong.  (Maybe Conan has that too, but I cannot confirm that at this time...).  Anyway, from the beginning:

It all started at a club in Atlantic City.  A group of friends and I were there for a bachelorette weekend.  So, we found this club, and they recognized us as a bachelorette party (thanks to T's clip-on veil), therefore we got in cover-free.  So, there we are, all giddy, drinking, dancing, flirting with the men around us... and then some guy in a suit comes up to 2 of us & tells us "We will be right down to get you guys in a few minutes."  So we were like "Ooooooooookay, great!", thinking one of the girls must've arranged something.  So, a few minutes pass, and here they come, ushering us upstairs to a red and gold room... very cliche!  Then I see him, here comes Conan... he's in a nice suit, blue shirt, top button undone, no tie, and a hand towel.  What's with the towel?  So, he walks over to us, maybe he's going to take our drink order?  But, no... he starts dancing.  Then come the squeals and giggles.  We are tipsy, and in the mood to party, so when he starts taking off his clothes, we get louder, and some dollar bills start appearing.  I'm still taken a little off guard, and I'm not over the fact that this is Conan's head on a strippers body, and he has these crazy dance moves, and I guess this makes me an easy target... so he dances over to me and starts bumping up against me.  I didn't know what to do or say, I just kinda sat there, stupefied, until he started mashing on my face with his sponge-bob-squish pants.  I couldn't help it, I burst into laughter... loud, gut busting laughter.  He's dripping sweat on me, he's all leopard spandex and half cooked spaghetti.  It was awkward, gross, and so far over the top ridiculous.  I guess my laughing egged him on, though, because he grabbed my leg, flipped me over and started slamming himself up against my butt.  At that point I just fall on my face, still in hysterics, thinking it could not get any further from sexy than that moment, and I just lay there as he so proudly flaunts whatever it is he thinks he has to flaunt.  It certainly wasn't his self respect! 

It was fun because it was funny & I was with my girlfriends.  It was silly, good times, but once was enough!  I decided I never needed to do that ever again.  If I go to see a man dance half nekkid in front of me, I need at least a 4 foot, junk-free zone around my person.  If you're going to be sweating a lot, add an extra 2-3 foot splash zone to that, too. 

So, that is the famous Conan stripper story.  Magic Mike was made for women like me.  Look? Yes, please, but please keep your bits and pieces to yourself!


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