Things I have learned from Vine
1. Girls everywhere are waking up first thing in the morning with impeccable faces and hair. They yawn, stretch, and talk in a low gritty voice as they let you know they just woke up, batting those long, false eyelashes from the comfort of their bed. They must have little birds and mice putting their make-up on and brushing their hair just before they wake. I bet they don't have morning breath, either. I kind of hate them for it.
2. No one cares about The Haterzzzz! If you'd judge based on the number of vines related to telling The Haterzzzz that the viners did NOT care about what mean comments they are leaving on their vines, you'd think they were extremely concerned, but alas, they don't care and you can f&%k off.
3. There is such a thing as "Grind On Me" videos. This is where boys (often in the throes of puberty) elaborately hump the floor. Or the bed. Or the car. Or their race car bed. Or their mother's tears of shame.
4. Related to number 3, above, apparently tall socks are now a vital part of "sexy times". Between the failures to wake up looking like a supermodel and my bare feet, I am seriously doing it wrong. They should probably revoke my lady license.
5. The term "muscle nugget", surprisingly unrelated to numbers 3 & 4.
6. Grandmas and Grandpas are more than happy to curse in your videos for you. Like, perhaps a little too eager. I mean, really, everyone is a descendant of sailors. I wouldn't leave any mean comments, Haterzzzz, Grammy will kick your ass.
7. Batman, as it turns out.... total yuppie.
8. Jumping into other people's grocery carts is acceptable. As a matter of fact, it's encouraged. I'm keeping my eggs in the kiddie seat, to be safe.
9. Teen girls are now "thirsty" and , apparently "boss ass bitch"es. I'm not sure why they are so thirsty in today's world with all the bottled water and such, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as not knowing what a "boss ass" is. I don't think I want to be any kind of an "ass bitch". That just sounds super unpleasant.
10. You can be "turned up". Or "Turn it up" or "Turnt up." I'm not sure, exactly, what the terminology is, as the spelling on vine is pretty hit or miss. However, it is possible this has something to do with what we used to call "innies" and "outties" in my day. Or, maybe they are just advertising that their vine is loud enough for those swearing grannies and grampies to hear and enjoy.
11. Ducklings, who are trying not to fall asleep, are so cute you will want to hurt yourself.
12. And, finally, never get in a viners "shot". They will seriously punch you in the nose, light you on fire, and stab you in your left big toe. So get the f&%K out of pappy's shot... he's about to dive into a "Grind On Me" vine (and shut up Haterzzzz, cause he don't give a shit what you think about it. He's a boss ass bitch.)