The baby's birthday is fast approaching! How that is possible, I do not know. We were just going to the hospital yesterday, or so it seems. The 2nd one goes sooooooo fast! Naturally party prep is underway! We have all the decorations, plates, cups, games, prizes, favors, etc. And the Schweddy Balls. Yep, finally I tracked down some Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls. I only have 1 pint at the moment, and hopefully we will get our hands on more. I was lucky enough to get the very last one at the store. I am saving my pint to crack open and share with my mom and sister who will be helping out with the party. It'll be our little after party treat. :) I tried to get enough pints to actually serve it at the party, because what 1 year old's birthday party isn't complete without a little double entendre served with the cake?
A little side note, my husband told our son's pre-school teacher about how he was looking for a petting zoo with a cheetah. I'm pretty sure she'll be calling child protective services on us, so if I go missing for awhile...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Return of the salesman who cannot take a hint... or a clear verbal warning... or a written warning...
If you can believe it, that crazy Xfinity salesman returned to our house yesterday. He did not ring the doorbell, but he left sales paraphernalia on our door. Well, sir, I may have been a bit of a bitch to deal with, but now you've scheduled yourself a conference from my husband who has even LESS patience for that kind of BS. Now, we both know and understand that everyone needs to be able to make a living, and that is fine. We put up our sign to politely let people know we didn't want to be bothered in our home. When people ignore and disrespect that, then we get pissed. And 3 times! Three! I was not unclear when speaking to this man.
My husband called him first thing this morning, and told him not to come to the house again or he'd be calling the regional manager instead of the guy himself next time. He tried to give the same "You already have our internet!" excuse and tried to continue with his sales pitch. My husband cut him off, and schooled him in taking a hint, or, in this case, clear verbal and written requests to leave us alone. People are unbelievable.
Husband: Now I worry about you guys while I'm at work, and what this idiot might do.
Me: No worries. I'm the girl with the hammer in her underwear drawer, and a borderline unhealthy love of shiv-making and shanking. And have you forgotten my trusty cast iron skillet? I'm like "give me a reason Bert*", just in cuter shoes.
Husband: I forgot who I was talking to.
*see Saturday Night Live weekend update with Seth Meyers.
My husband called him first thing this morning, and told him not to come to the house again or he'd be calling the regional manager instead of the guy himself next time. He tried to give the same "You already have our internet!" excuse and tried to continue with his sales pitch. My husband cut him off, and schooled him in taking a hint, or, in this case, clear verbal and written requests to leave us alone. People are unbelievable.
Husband: Now I worry about you guys while I'm at work, and what this idiot might do.
Me: No worries. I'm the girl with the hammer in her underwear drawer, and a borderline unhealthy love of shiv-making and shanking. And have you forgotten my trusty cast iron skillet? I'm like "give me a reason Bert*", just in cuter shoes.
Husband: I forgot who I was talking to.
*see Saturday Night Live weekend update with Seth Meyers.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Petting zoo. Don't feed the animals your children.
I can't tell if it was just too early or if the illness has crept into his brain...
Husband: I wonder if we can find a petting zoo with a cheetah near by.
Me: All of them have cheetahs. It is totally desirable and safe to have a cheetah in a petting zoo. Didn't you ever see the sign? Welcome to our cheetah cage. Please send your small children right on in!
H: Well, in Africa they tame them and have them like we have dogs.
Me: Well, maybe we can go to a petting zoo in Africa. I mean, forget the zoo where we've seen a cheetah before. Sunning himself. At a safe distance from the short walking food we bring along with us to the zoo.
H: Well I was afraid they'd be too far away, and our son wouldn't get a good look.
Me: Well, in that case, send him on in with the cheetah! Better get a close look and risk a mauling than have to suffer through admiring them from afar.
H: The last time we were at the zoo, didn't a deer get loose?
Me: No, that was on youtube. Almost exactly like real life.
H: Oh yeah, it got loose and was wandering around the lions exhibit, or something like that. He jumped into the water to avoid them. Did they get him?
Me: I don't think so. I seem to remember the zoo keepers helping the deer, or someone helped it. It escaped, I'm sure.
H: They should have let them eat it. I mean "It's the circle of life!"
Me: Yeah, that would have been awesome in front of the families watching. Small children love watching cute fairy tale characters being devoured by other animals right before their very eyes. Everyone loves a good gory blood and guts show when they take their kids to the zoo.
That was the juicy start to our Sunday over breakfast. Meanwhile, our son was setting up a tape measure between our cabinets and our island to do the limbo while we had this "don't feed the animals" conversation. I'm not sure if the week has ever started in a more random way than it did today.
Husband: I wonder if we can find a petting zoo with a cheetah near by.
Me: All of them have cheetahs. It is totally desirable and safe to have a cheetah in a petting zoo. Didn't you ever see the sign? Welcome to our cheetah cage. Please send your small children right on in!
H: Well, in Africa they tame them and have them like we have dogs.
Me: Well, maybe we can go to a petting zoo in Africa. I mean, forget the zoo where we've seen a cheetah before. Sunning himself. At a safe distance from the short walking food we bring along with us to the zoo.
H: Well I was afraid they'd be too far away, and our son wouldn't get a good look.
Me: Well, in that case, send him on in with the cheetah! Better get a close look and risk a mauling than have to suffer through admiring them from afar.
H: The last time we were at the zoo, didn't a deer get loose?
Me: No, that was on youtube. Almost exactly like real life.
H: Oh yeah, it got loose and was wandering around the lions exhibit, or something like that. He jumped into the water to avoid them. Did they get him?
Me: I don't think so. I seem to remember the zoo keepers helping the deer, or someone helped it. It escaped, I'm sure.
H: They should have let them eat it. I mean "It's the circle of life!"
Me: Yeah, that would have been awesome in front of the families watching. Small children love watching cute fairy tale characters being devoured by other animals right before their very eyes. Everyone loves a good gory blood and guts show when they take their kids to the zoo.
That was the juicy start to our Sunday over breakfast. Meanwhile, our son was setting up a tape measure between our cabinets and our island to do the limbo while we had this "don't feed the animals" conversation. I'm not sure if the week has ever started in a more random way than it did today.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Not crazy, just normal-deficient
We were on a mission to find the new Ben & Jerry's "Schweddy Balls", and it's been hard to find, so we were traveling into the next state to get ice cream...
Son: Mommy, why are we going so far away to get ice cream.
Husband: Because Mommy is eccentric.
Touché!
On our ice cream hunt, we started calling places, and asking if they had the new Ben & Jerry's. One lady pressed my husband for the name of the flavor, and he tried to go with "It's the SNL skit one.." and all but she didn't get it. He finally told her so she hung up on him. That's when we switched to me calling and asking. I got all young ladies on the phone so they weren't upset, but once I did get a man. This was our conversation...
Grocery Man: What flavor?
Me: Don't laugh. Schweddy Balls.
GM: *laughs*
Me: You laughed.
GM: I don't know if we have that, I'll be right back. I'll go check.
Me: Thanks!
GM: *returns to the call* I don't have Schweddy Balls, but I do have Clusterfluff. You can have that.
Isn't it just like a man to offer to give you a fluff, when all you asked for was balls? *smh*
I do promise to stop talking about this as soon as I get some, and get to write a review of the new flavor! It's just the difficulty in finding it that is making it even more funny and more of an adventure. It's becoming a fun event, not just a cold treat! As I explained to my sister, it's like a search for the Holy Grail and we are really just exactly like saints.
Moving on...
My husband recently gave a speech at a huge techie conference. (I wanted to call it a "nerd party", but that is probably not the proper term for it) They put his speech up online, and he was listening to it the other day, and he, of course, was critiquing himself (nit picking over his delivery to the point of driving himself nuts). So I heard him listening to a speech again, and wasn't really paying attention to anything other than a man was speaking....
Me: Are you watching your speech again?
Him: What? No. Do I have an Australian accent?
Me: I don't know what you did for that speech. Maybe you came down with a case of "Mysterious, Sudden, Foreign Accent." Maybe you're just like Madonna. She has chronic MSFA.
Son: Mommy, why are we going so far away to get ice cream.
Husband: Because Mommy is eccentric.
Touché!
On our ice cream hunt, we started calling places, and asking if they had the new Ben & Jerry's. One lady pressed my husband for the name of the flavor, and he tried to go with "It's the SNL skit one.." and all but she didn't get it. He finally told her so she hung up on him. That's when we switched to me calling and asking. I got all young ladies on the phone so they weren't upset, but once I did get a man. This was our conversation...
Grocery Man: What flavor?
Me: Don't laugh. Schweddy Balls.
GM: *laughs*
Me: You laughed.
GM: I don't know if we have that, I'll be right back. I'll go check.
Me: Thanks!
GM: *returns to the call* I don't have Schweddy Balls, but I do have Clusterfluff. You can have that.
Isn't it just like a man to offer to give you a fluff, when all you asked for was balls? *smh*
I do promise to stop talking about this as soon as I get some, and get to write a review of the new flavor! It's just the difficulty in finding it that is making it even more funny and more of an adventure. It's becoming a fun event, not just a cold treat! As I explained to my sister, it's like a search for the Holy Grail and we are really just exactly like saints.
Moving on...
My husband recently gave a speech at a huge techie conference. (I wanted to call it a "nerd party", but that is probably not the proper term for it) They put his speech up online, and he was listening to it the other day, and he, of course, was critiquing himself (nit picking over his delivery to the point of driving himself nuts). So I heard him listening to a speech again, and wasn't really paying attention to anything other than a man was speaking....
Me: Are you watching your speech again?
Him: What? No. Do I have an Australian accent?
Me: I don't know what you did for that speech. Maybe you came down with a case of "Mysterious, Sudden, Foreign Accent." Maybe you're just like Madonna. She has chronic MSFA.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Grocery tomfoolery, pretty tools, and invisible flowers
The man behind me had Ben & Jerry's so I said to the clerk "shoot, I forgot to check to see if you had the new Ben & Jerry's!". She said, with total angry face "Oh, the one with the nasty name? We do NOT carry THAT!". Well that kinda sourpuss-ness just instigates my bad behavior. So I came back with "Yes! That's the one! I can't wait to taste their Schweddy balls!". Well the man behind me lost it & we were laughing so hard. Even the baby stared laughing over us losing our minds. Everyone was then watching the ruckus & the clerk was even angrier looking. I said "Oh don't worry! Sheesh. It's only out for a limited time." and shook my head at her. Stick in the mud.
In other news: The new shows are starting up. We were giving Whitney a try, and I had to laugh when she pulled a hammer out of the underwear drawer with a "What is this doing here?" look on her face. I keep a hammer in my underwear drawer. True story. But, it's totally normal for it to be there because it's purple.
And Kidism of the day: My oldest, and apparently most patriotic son, was telling me what they did in school today: "Every day we stand up in ellipse and say 'I pledge allegiance to the invisible flower of the United States of America."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
You Can't Ring My Bell
When we moved here last year, one of the first things we noticed about this neighborhood was the high volume of door to door sales-people and religious recruiters. We'd get several people knocking on our door to sell us their goods, services, or religion on nearly a daily basis. They'd even come around into our back yard or our garage to accost us with their sales pitch. It was incredibly annoying. With a baby on the way, we knew we did not want that bell ringing while the baby was sleeping, so we promptly put up a "No soliciting"sign. Well, it baked in the heat of the sun, melted, warped, fell and shattered on the ground. Not 15 minutes later, the bell rang. So, I picked up a cute wood plaque, and painted my own beautiful, hand-crafted, Martha Stewart - approved "No Soliciting" sign, screwed 2 magnets to it, and put it up. Again, peace was restored, and my house was back to my own private sanctuary. Until a few days ago...
A salesman from Comcast/Xfinity rang my bell at dinner time last week. He looked a little flustered, like maybe he saw my sign after he rang the bell. I took his flier, and he tried to go on endlessly, but I explained we did not like Comcast and pointed out that dinner was on my table. End of meeting. So, today, when the door rang during the baby's nap-time, I figured it was a delivery. Imagine my surprise when this same asshat is standing on my stoop! I tip toed back to the living room, and told my 4 year old "Shhhhhhh, pretend we are not home." That's when the second door bell ring came. I flew off the couch, ran to the door, flung it open, ripped the sign off the door, stuck it approximately one inch from his face and yelled "Can you READ?! This says 'no soliciting!'. It should say 'Don't you dare ring my bell and wake up my sleeping baby.' I have this here for a reason. Last week I told you we had Comcast previously, had terrible service they never could help us with, and got rid of it. And yet, here you are, on my stoop, ringing my bell during nap time. I don't want you ringing my bell, or anyone else from Xfinity or any other salesperson. I thought this sign was clear enough, but now I've told you verbally. Do not ring this bell again." He proceeded to tell me that he thought we were already customers so it would be okay. Um, no. That is not how this works. My sign does not say "No soliciting unless you think we might be customers anyway" it says "NO SOLICITING". And if you should assume that means anything else beyond what it says you should err on the side of "Ring this bell and try to sell me shit and I will fucking stick you." He still launched into his speech. I had to shut the door in his face. It was an exercise in complete stupidity and complete disregard for the person you are communicating with. I mean, there are folks who miss social cues, but I was not being unclear I had a bright, multicolored sign that spelled it out!
Now, typically I don't behave like a hard-ass. Keep in mind, the first time I just gave him the benefit of the doubt, told him we didn't like what he was selling, and wished him luck and excused myself back to dinner. I didn't have to be nice on that occasion, either, in my opinion. This is my home. My private space. My place where I can choose who I let in, what I have to put up with, and if I put up something that makes clear that I do not wish to be bothered, then that needs to be respected. You disregard my feelings in my own home, then do not expect me to respond to you with respect and decency. Don't make me break a piece of my autumn door decor off to shank you with.
A salesman from Comcast/Xfinity rang my bell at dinner time last week. He looked a little flustered, like maybe he saw my sign after he rang the bell. I took his flier, and he tried to go on endlessly, but I explained we did not like Comcast and pointed out that dinner was on my table. End of meeting. So, today, when the door rang during the baby's nap-time, I figured it was a delivery. Imagine my surprise when this same asshat is standing on my stoop! I tip toed back to the living room, and told my 4 year old "Shhhhhhh, pretend we are not home." That's when the second door bell ring came. I flew off the couch, ran to the door, flung it open, ripped the sign off the door, stuck it approximately one inch from his face and yelled "Can you READ?! This says 'no soliciting!'. It should say 'Don't you dare ring my bell and wake up my sleeping baby.' I have this here for a reason. Last week I told you we had Comcast previously, had terrible service they never could help us with, and got rid of it. And yet, here you are, on my stoop, ringing my bell during nap time. I don't want you ringing my bell, or anyone else from Xfinity or any other salesperson. I thought this sign was clear enough, but now I've told you verbally. Do not ring this bell again." He proceeded to tell me that he thought we were already customers so it would be okay. Um, no. That is not how this works. My sign does not say "No soliciting unless you think we might be customers anyway" it says "NO SOLICITING". And if you should assume that means anything else beyond what it says you should err on the side of "Ring this bell and try to sell me shit and I will fucking stick you." He still launched into his speech. I had to shut the door in his face. It was an exercise in complete stupidity and complete disregard for the person you are communicating with. I mean, there are folks who miss social cues, but I was not being unclear I had a bright, multicolored sign that spelled it out!
Now, typically I don't behave like a hard-ass. Keep in mind, the first time I just gave him the benefit of the doubt, told him we didn't like what he was selling, and wished him luck and excused myself back to dinner. I didn't have to be nice on that occasion, either, in my opinion. This is my home. My private space. My place where I can choose who I let in, what I have to put up with, and if I put up something that makes clear that I do not wish to be bothered, then that needs to be respected. You disregard my feelings in my own home, then do not expect me to respond to you with respect and decency. Don't make me break a piece of my autumn door decor off to shank you with.
Have your ice cream and laugh at it too. Also, pull the stick out of your butt.
Look, little kids laugh endlessly over boogers and farts, and they are the happiest people on Earth. They aren't stressed out. They don't give a damn what anyone thinks about them. They just want to do their thing and have a good time... oh and dress like superheros. These uptight folks who worry so much about these harmless jokes seem like they are pretty angry folks. Maybe they should take a hint from a kindergarten class and try laughing a little.
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